#1 & #2

I went and picked up my check from the diner today, it was much more then I expected. I mean it’s not enough to really cover anything, but it is for the rest of the things for my birthday. While I was there Dale wanted to talked to me. He asked if I would be interested in coming back. He needs the help and I need the money, but there are pro’s and cons with make the decision to go back or not. It makes it a very hard decision, and one of the "paths" (in a sense) I’m not quite sure I’m mentally ready to handle.

Here’s the options and there pros and con’s:

#1: Going back to work at the diner means "moving" back to my moms. Though I wont be sharing the room with A.j anymore, because my moms taking my bed out because of the puppies, it might pop. (air mattress) So I would be sleeping on a couch, which really makes no difference to me because i slept on a couch my whole life. Living with my mom is difficult we barely get along majority of the time. She really gets under my skin and makes me uncontrollably angry, to the point of hitting things. With starting T that isn’t exactly something that I should be around. Then again I have been able to just stop and breath before I react to anything..I’ve never been able to d that…ever. I’ll be going through all these changes I’m going to need someone there to support me through and be there to I can express my self, but my family and I really don’t talk to much about it. I have always kept my life very privet from them..so I have told them all and they all still love me, and respect me and use pronouns…..some of the time, but it’s difficult when people are..hey Tina……..Damien..sorry…Tina/Damien…I makes me want to burst into flames. I have to worry about where I hide my money so no one takes it…………………<—–bullshiiiiiiiittt fuckerrrsssss aaahahihjdkl;nf;iohsoh….. (sorry) i get to see bay for maybe three hours a night…nd dont get to talk to her all day because i dont have a cell phone. If I started at the diner within a week i could make my doctors appt and start T and go file for my name change the week after. Though its not enough to be able to really save anything…and theres not many place close by I could get a second job. I seem to be lackinga car…and a fat ass paycheck from this place that is refusing to FUCKING PAY>>>>AHKJSHdlaggiglhFG YEA FUCKERS THATS HOW i FEEL….id have more time to just concentrate one= my working out…like i do now just not as often as i used to.

#2: Staying at Bayys I can have the opportunity to find a job that pays better, withing walking distance. They completely use correct pronouns. its more loving and..family. its more comfortable. the one support system i will have through this transition will be right next to me. Though it is a unknown number of days before i could start T because I’m in the process of finding a job on this side of town. Angry mangment is in the future for sure….may be…yea. Hers less stress and im just more comfortable. Here i can get out and see the few people i do..and not feel completely isolated from the world.

i mean it doesnt seem like such a huge deal..but if haha you have ever been to my mothers house you would understand the struggle I have with this. I have to alwys completely lock down because shes nuts…and stresses me beyond belief. I got enough going on with my self and dealing with my daily keep to it…it’s gunna be ok itll be over soon attitude..for anything else to be added to me. I constantly feel like im going to burst inflames because i dont want to live like this. Its so fucking stupid I have to go through all this trouble to jsut me. Like its some fucking sick jock this great power above is getting a giggle out of. Like why you create something to just be completely opposite from the correct anatomy..and it’s a race against mental strength and transition to see which wins first…the transition of a completely mental freak out. (I just wanna go for a fucking jog.. /:-|..) Besides the fact this binder is really starting to hurt.. I can no longer wear it when I eat. It makes me feel like I’m going to puke. It’s not like I have gained that much weight. I mean from the way I used to work out my shoulders are slightly biger so its rubbs on them real funny and leaves  lil burns at times, but its taking a toll on my back alot. Its making it hard to breath, no matter how little or not a smoke. Which I should jsut be quitting anyways.

Last night Bayys and I picked up brooke and we went to bounce. Yes on a Saturday night. To be honest it was almost like a december 08′ er jan 09′ night just chill as fuck. Like it was Brooke, Krys (brother), xavier(spelling?), Shy, Pam was mixed in there, so was emily, and a few other people, bayy, me red as well..like it was insane how…usual it was. Never in my life had I ever thought a night like that would have come along. Was kinda of just missing Tiff. (My back is killing me). On that note, I never had thought me and brooke would be kicking it again but we have been. It’s sort of been the usual to me I suppose. Almsot as if not much happened at all. I mean I supose there will be a point in time for "the conversation" but right now it’s kinda of just nice to have a "familiar presence". That might not exactly be the right way to word it but thats the best that I can come up with….(so I just took my binder off and was thinking to just sit here and write with no shirt on..but im glad i decided to put a shirt on her mom just knocked on the door lol.) oops. Damn I missed her call shes gunna be mad. Shitty for me being forgetful. Not used to havinga phone around. Nor is it on ring.

Well my back hurts to bad to finish writing.

D.j

wow dude johnny jus dogged me telling me imma piece of shit bc liz nd b told em me sara nd mom was talking shit. Wow I have amazing family members. Johnnys my nigga no doubt id never say shit…soo yea this is fabulous.