NoJoMo # 8 – The beginning of slavehood

Ok, I promised you guys that I would eventually get back to the beginning, and I’m going to try tonight, although for fair warning, this entry could stop abruptly at any moment if the baby wakes up. 

If you really wanna get down to the very beginning, I’ve been trying to submit for years. Ever since I began truly embracing my femininity and realizing how amazing and precious women are (and how their value is, to me, somewhat lost by the "everyone is equal/the same" culture we’re trying to establish right now), it’s also made me think about how men and women are different, and what that means for a male/female relationship. And really, it didn’t even necessarily start within the framework of romantic relationships… Several years ago, I began covering my head in submission to the Lord. And then, for years after that, I went back and forth on trying to submit to my husband as a good Christian wife. But that never really worked, because he had no interest in being a Christian head-of-household because, of course, he’s not even Christian. I really thought it was hopeless. I read so many books on righteous submission, feminine living, ect. but none of them seemed to apply in my household. And to be honest, I couldn’t trust him enough for it to work, anyway. To be able to fully submit to him, HE had to have an active role of being in charge, and he never did. 

I never really thought I would find what I’d been looking for in the "fetish" or "kink" population…and yet, there it was. I think the closest I can come to pinpointing a particular moment when the idea first crept into my head would’ve probably been after a trip to Taboo with Laura. I picked up an awesome hog tie set for a lot less than they usually are. I don’t remember if we tried it out that night or a night shortly thereafter, but it was…amazing. Not only did he use that set, but he also blindfolded me, gagged me, and put ear plugs in. It was…mind blowing, really. And that was actually the start of the once-a-day every day spell I wrote about a few weeks back. So I guess maybe that situation planted the seed. 

We’ve been talking about me going to an alternative club here a lot lately, and somehow in one of our discussions of friends we have that go there, Wes mentioned that one of them kept a slave journal. I don’t know what it was, but that intruiged me, so I came home and started doing some reading. And really, from there there was no turning back. Wes called me on his lunch break the following day and I told him I wanted to be his slave. He was kind of iffy about it and didn’t really understand what I was getting at, so I was really nervous that he thought I was stupid or something. But actually, he took to it quite quickly. We’ve been reading through the book Erotic Slavehood, which is a really awesome kind of beginner’s guide. It’s amazing how many things he did on instinct alone that are mentioned in the book. And it’s really been like therapy for me in so many ways. I can’t allow myself to go on autopilot, which is how I’ve been living my life for so long. I have to think about everything I do or say. I have to stop from making stupid excuses not to do something, or being lazy. Wes and I are communicating on such an amazing level, because we HAVE to to make this work. He is sooo much more patient, loving, and attentive as a master…I think the reality of how much control he has and therefore how much responsibility has really helped him temper himself, just as my responsibility to him has changed me. There are so many touching moments where he says or does something that just brings me to tears. 

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all roses and sunshine. I’m not anywhere near perfect, especially since my training is really just getting off the ground. I screw up. I get punished. But even that…it’s like I can let go of guilt instead of having it be my constant companion. Instead of beating myself up for a week over something stupid, I get punished for it, and I move on. I learn, I grow, it’s gone. 

I never could’ve imagined there could be such freedom in being a slave. <3 I truly love my life. 

Alright, kiddo should be waking up soon. Please feel free to ask any questions and I will try to answer them as candidly as possible. 🙂