Always Changing

I don’t know if I mentioned it here, but I was seeing a therapist while Wes was gone. She was night, albeit a bit clueless sometimes. lol Anyway, at one point we were having a discussion and she asked me who I was, or to describe myself, or something like that. And…I couldn’t. And I joked with her that I change so often, I don’t really know who I am. I came home and asked Wes to see what he would say, and he said the same thing – that I don’t know who I am because it’s different every day. I’ve been thinking about this on and off since. What it means. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it just…me? Does it make me flighty? Confused? I don’t know. I just know there are so many parts of me, and some of them don’t play well together, and some of them contradict each other, and some of them don’t make sense. And there seems to be an ebb and flow to how I feel at any particular time.

For example, my faith. I go through cycles. Typically I start out incredibly Pagan – very focused on Goddess and nature and such. And then I begin to feel the imbalance, so I start focusing on God again, which usually leads me to a renewed focus on my Christian side, which can be extreme in itself. And then at some point I feel the imbalance of THAT and start trying to bring the Goddess back into my life and find some kind of balance, and what really happens is I find myself at the beginning again and start the cycle all over.

And this happens in so many parts of my life. Even my gender beliefs and expressions. There are times when I find absolute joy in my femininity – in raising children, tending house, wearing skirts, ect. And there are times when my "butch" side comes out. For example, this weekend Laura and I spent time putting together our new grill and doing the grilling while Wes and Chris did some house cleaning. And it worked out perfectly because lately I hate the tending house side of my job. Plus all the woodworking, building, fixing, ect. I’ve been doing lately, and that skirt-wearing housewife seems so far away.

And then of course I spent 6 weeks being EVERYTHING, and now I’m finding it difficult to behave myself – to be respectful, mindful, to be slave. Master made the comment that he does not believe I am truly slave. And how do I answer that? I AM. Sometimes. Just like sometimes I’m feminine. But in those times, I am FULLY. Even though it may change tomorrow. The fact that I change does not negate the fact that in the moment, I AM whatever it is that I am fully. I am commited to what I am today. Right now. But even then, I’m not sure how to reconsile these ideas – that I am fully sometime, but tomorrow I may be something else. And I wonder if it’s age, or I will be like this all my life.

And the worst part is, it often leaves me wondering why my husband loves me. Because whatever he loves about me could change tomorrow. How do you love someone who is so inconsistant?

So many thoughts. None of them make much sense, even to me.