self torture

I’m sitting here aching…

for the first time in a week it’s not my throat… not the intense, writhing pain of open wounds…

but my heart, pounding quick and out of rhythm….

Weeks to months can go by without this feeling… but I always find myself  back in this sickening moment.

I know too much about where he is now… who he’s with….

And it shouldn’t affect me like this, I can’t let it…. not anymore.

So… as I often do, I’ll dissect where this emotion came from… 

this hollow, tear – jerking longing…. it was born somewhere. 

I remember the exact date. 

It’s tricky though…. this feeling is not meant to linger, not meant for boys long gone and a girl who’s life is better alone.

But, here it is, nonetheless.

mother fucker.

Breathe in, out, in, out.

It’s not him…. and I’m not unhappy.

It’s that…. I could be happier. And he was the one who helped me find that happiness.

Bliss. Euphoria. 

And I’ve been searching – clamoring – for it ever since.

But he also gave me moments like this.

Sickening. Empty.

I go back and forth, back and forth with keeping him and all that surrounds him in my life.

Because I can never seem to win the war of pushing away….

And yet staying is so gut wrenchingly painful.

And I ask…

Why do I do this to myself?

To remember what he taught me…. To remember how this life is supposed to feel… To remember how the girl I was felt in those moments…

I don’t need him to remind me.

My life is coming together because of the positive changes I’m making. I’m becoming the girl I want to be. 

In my career. In my social life. Emotionally. Physically.

His reminder only pains me now… the thought of how happy I know I can be… but not with him, not anymore.

I want so badly not to hurt anymore… to not wish on hopeless fading stars.

I could be happier.

A boy with his arms around my waist and sweet whisper in my ear.

A horse with the ability to fix my broken heart better than any human.

A best friend and long late night talks in a white car…. words I could never speak to anyone else.

I’m void of all of these things now.

Tears are streaming…. time to quit.