miserable at best
Swollen and tender, whole body aching.
Blood running boiling hot, skin lingering icy cold.
Eyelids sinking lower and lower, so close to meeting their match.
Sweat falls onto a bare chest.
Leaving a damp trail on my face.
Should have seen this coming.
Headaches and the inability to sleep always add up to one thing.
I fight… pushing my body’s limits at an attempt to keep working as normal.
But eventually I’ll come to screeching halt…
At some point, one must always stop pretending to face what’s truly there.
I had been doing so well, physically, mentally, emotionally… all was on the mend.
This week wiped it away.
Fuck everything.
I’m crashing.
Why is it you are crashing? And here we are just days away from an adventure!
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Sometimes it is dealing with not being number one that best prepares us for the accompanying responsibility of the next time we are very much just that. Every day and every moment of it is a learning experience. The longing and emptiness felt on nights where arms should be our blankets, well, I remember them well. Eventually, the goal I think is to be happy.
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A simply and admirable task, to be sure, but I mean happy in life moreso than happy because. There were many times and many years where I was happy because of something, but I wasn’t ever happy. The goal became for me to make and mold myself into a person I was proud of, genuinely so, that regardless of whoever was or was not in my life I could find solace and contentment in.. in me.
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And I promise you, it was a lonely road. Sometimes I had an abundance of friends. Sometimes none. Sometimes I had a lover, other times not one for years at a clip. I had pretty high standards for myself which probably handicapped me, never done drugs nor even been drunk, never did the casual sex thing either.. and I had a hard time accepting people who did, which, well, is most people lol.
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Over time I have come to realize it isn’t my place to judge anyone else when deciding if they should be accepted into my life, but rather it became a goal of mine to accept people based more on who they were at their core and in everyday settings than what they did.. it matters more that they are pretty good people who care than great people who don’t or bad people who care tons..
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It was learning to accept life. People, including me, we’re all jagged pieces of a puzzle we’re piecing together trying to figure out the tapestry of our lives.. I think you’ll discover that in time, the longing will be replaced by happiness with yourself and the empty feelings when not number one will be wistful moments where you remember what you miss, but realize you’re worth them.. and more.
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So, I’m gonna stop pestering the sick girl with ridiculous notes that come off as preaching. God, gag me already. Hope you feel better and you enjoy the sun. 😀
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