Broken Believer

All the world is one twisted game.

And each soul merely a player amongst billions of others.

As am I, one simple being born into a web of relationships…. the only thing I actually believe in.

Not God. Not Satan. Not Buddha. Not Allah.

Nor heaven, nor hell, nor purgatory in between.

Connection of spirit is my religion.

I try so hard to be everything to everyone that I care about, because that’s what I would ask of them.

To see those I love happy is like winning the lottery in my heart,

watching them cry is like standing by to watch a piece of myself die.

Saying only the words I find that would help them reach the former, never the latter.

Left with words unspoken… spilling out onto these open pages.

 

 

How long, my favorite friend, will it be before you stop putting me on this pedestal?

I’m more destroyed than you, my love. Just more gifted at hiding it.

I beg for you to believe in the beauty of the future, for the past has nothing for you now but healing wounds best left untouched.

Pleading with you to step back and see yourself for all that you are…. not for all that you’ve lost.

I’m left hanging, stretched and shaken, trying to figure out who you really are.

I’m asking you to enlighten me…. truth, not the fabrications you so often use for deflection.

I adore you… though I’ll never admit it, because I’m terrified of the answer to the following question.

What in the hell do you want from me?

When will you finally understand, dear boy, why rock stars with proud wives don’t exist?

Stop extinguishing innocence for your own selfishness.

The cinders of destruction are more than abandoned mortals can bear.

Your desire for love will never be more important….though I know you try so very hard.

But maybe it’s time to stop pretending that each chance will end any different from the last, no matter how badly you want it to.

But those speeches falling off my lips have no weight.

I am, in the end, a broken believer.

Walking blindly towards the light, while attempting to emanate my own…

Because as long as I shine, and keep pressing on, every flaw is hidden.