June 7, 2010

blahblahblah

My mind is swarming with thoughts running a million miles an hour. Ordinarily, I’d share these with someone. But here I am, alone, as I am so much of the time lately. And I can’t honestly say that I mind it. I’m becoming someone new, and that journey is best made solo. So I’ll write on this technological canvas, as long as it promises to seal my secrets.

I had a conversation with a friend last night that was a serious mindfuck. For so long, I’ve been surrounded by people with whom I have a mutual dependence. But lately, that number is shrinking… smaller and smaller and smaller… to the point where I feel like there’s no one I can rely on. I hadn’t realized it, in the whirlwind of the past few weeks. School, partying, and studying leave little time for reflection on where I am in my personal relationships. Once I realized it though, that for the first time I running truly alone, I can’t focus on anything. If it all fell apart now, if my world crashed around me, I would literally be deserted as I attempted to pick up the pieces. And that thought in itself terrifies me.

There are so many people I care for, and I few I even need, whose presence I crave, whose opinion I desire above all others. And it’s killing me to watch them all fall off the map of my life. Some I’ve thrown away, people I trusted that didn’t deserve it, people who were merely friends of convenience, people who I just stopped making the effort with, because sometimes I just don’t care enough. But I’ve always had one or two rocks amidst the quicksand. People who I could fall back on no matter what. But now, it’s all quicksand. And those I love are sinking, nearly impossible to see.

There are so many people in this world. And all I’m asking for is one. One soul. One single soul that I can rely on.

HigherAndHigher

June 8, 2010

I can relate to this over and over. I hope it gets better. I’m sure that those people will still be there if you reach out to them

RYN: There is nothing better than a day out seeing the horses, can’t believe I lived so long without them! I’m a firm believer that there’s very little that can’t be cured with a good gallop…

charming_faith

It’s sad to know you’re going through this. I very much know how it feels to have the people you rely on dwindle. Last year I ended a friendship with someone I truly thought I’d be friends with forever. It’s crazy how stupid and naive she became and ruined so many friendships she had. It hurt at first, losing her, but I realized that I made the right decision. She’s the one that ruined things.

It’s hard to find good people in this world. Hard to find someone you can trust and will do the right thing and keep secrets. I hope that you still have one rock, one solid person you can turn to in your life. And if you don’t, well I’m looking for a friend too. I’m guessing that you have higher standards than most people in choosing friends. I don’t know what happened with your previous friends

but there’s nothing wrong with removing people from your life or at least distancing yourself from people who hurt or betray you. I truly do hope that you find some stable people in your life that you can lean on and trust. When you do find someone like that, hold onto them tight.

RYN: Well my favorite show was Charmed when it was on, in fact its actually what inspired my tattoo that I have on my back left shoulder of the triquetra. Right now I watch Supernatural (awesome), one tree hill (or did before they screwed up the ending), NCIS, Parenthood, Ghost Whisperer, Army Wives, Mentalist, Royal Pains, Burn Notice, Glee, and several others. I even watched Idol this year.

What about you? what other shows do you watch?

I also agree that OTH should have ended after season 4, that was an awesome ending. Charmed was a bit corny, but I don’t know, there was just something about it that I really connected to. I watched it from the beginning and it became my weekly escape from the world from about age 9 to 17 heh

The Great Dictator

Good entry, and I know where you’re coming from with that. I hope things get better and that you can find that soul you can rely on. RYN: Thanks for the note. I’ll assume you’re American if you’re rooting for the US against England, although you could easily be Scottish, Irish or Welsh for that haha. You’re right being a disposable is a horrible feeling.

RYN: Haha, I don’t mind entries like this- hell you just read mine, and mine is very like this. Yeah, I try get all my entry titles to fit the topics in my entries, which is hard to do sometimes with song lyrics. But yeah, the deeper meaning is (or maybe it’s obvious haha) that they don’t want or need me around, so I’m letting them know that.

LoveSuicide

The hard and cold truth of life is there are precious few people that will stick with you throughout the course of your life. Be there for you. Be that rock amongst the tumbling sands, as you suggested. Precious few. And rarely do they stay true for always. The harsh reality is you’ll be burned countless times, but there are good ones out there. Searching just as you, for the very same thing

My tattoo is the triquetra. Here’s an image if this link works http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s73/broken_wings_07/Triquetra-purple.jpg It was a staple symbol in the show that meant the power of three working as one. It’s also a wiccan symbol that means Maid, mother and crone. Or mind body spirit, past present future. it has many meanings but charmed is where I got. Three sister witches.

Amarilla

June 9, 2010

Thank you for your note 🙂 I’m sorry to read this though, I hope you find some more rocks soon… it’s not a nice feeling 🙁 *hug* x

Okay, got it. Essentially you feel he always wanted Jamie more, but once he finally got her, it didn’t really live up to his expectations. And she can’t handle not being the absolute center of the universe, apparently. Meanwhile, you were looking for something real and concrete, perhaps even magical, with a guy who doesn’t know what is really good for him, only what he wants in the moment.

Or something. heh.