2021/10/25

I read Toshiyuki Horie’s “Forgetting days at a riverbank” a little. In this novel, the main character reads “The Complete Works of Chekhov”. I have never read Chekhov seriously but this part made me read his works more so I reserved his books at a library. I might have “Chekhov short stories” but don’t have it at my group home. I have read his popular plays as “The Cherry Orchard” and “Uncle Vanya” once but can’t remember so now might be the chance to read his works concentrated. Like this, one book leads another book and I read books one by one. Maybe I read books like this till death.

What is my dream? Today, I talked about this with a Chinese woman on WeChat. What am I doing to the future? I can’t draw a certain vision for the future. Probably I don’t have the talent to draw the future, foresight what happens the next. Always I live now and that’s all… In other words, I live now concentrated and try to connect it to tomorrow. Now all I can do is to work and write this journal. Or to read books and to learn English are also the tasks I’m doing now… A real “breakthrough” will come if I do these things consistently.

Soft landing… that’s my life? I thought. Now is the period of landing to death, or my good old days. I don’t want to read current bubbly books to follow the trend as I was young (of course, I know that bubbly books might be interesting because they are “real”). I have experienced various things. I went to Waseda and experienced terrible things at my office. I tried to commit suicide and met friends who are connected to me with autism. My life turned positively… and now. Now is too early to die. I want to do more.

Tomorrow, I will go to an English conversation class my city does. I hope I will meet other people and do something nice. Maybe I am an autistic person so I am afraid of the brand new things I have never experienced. Of course, everybody gets fear of unknown things but autistic people tend to be afraid of the drastic change. The movie “Please Stand By” tells us that unknown fields are to be conquered. Or I remember Senri Oe said, “life is a jam session”. I throw myself into the unknown. That’s life.