Resentment

Thank you, OD Gods, for performing maintenance when me and him break up. 

We had an ‘episode’ on Monday night, that resulted in me telling him that things aren’t working and that I might have to leave. SO much has gone on since then that I don’t know where my head is. We kind of broke up, then broke up a bit more, then got back together and everything was normal (note: not great), and then we had a sort of argument, then we made up again, and now we’re bickering. 

Number of hugs: 0

Number of kisses: 0

Number of nights spent in different beds: 6

Number of tears shed: 30,000

All of his coldness basically comes down to the fact that I stress him out. He’s a) worried about how dependent I am on him and how dependent I will be when I go to uni b) worried about how broody I am and that having kids now would be ‘the worst thing ever’.

WHOA! BACK UP A SECOND!

Yes, "having kids right now sounds like the worst thing ever". Those 10 words a girl like me never wants to hear. Well, that’s not strictly true…I don’t want children now either, but I certainly don’t want to hear that it would be the ‘worst thing ever’. He then went on to say that he ‘probably’ wants kids, but not for another 7 years. That ‘probably’ is really praying on my mind. I’ll be 30 in 7 years time, and if he then decides that his probably is actually a ‘probably not’ then the whole reason for my being, for my existence is shattered. I told him it’s non-negotiable, that I HAVE to be a mother, and if I get to 40 and haven’t had a child then I’ll consider my life a failure. He didn’t seem too bothered by that.

I really need help with this. Anytime I mention it to anyone, they go silent. Is that their way of saying ‘get over it, you’re just broody, silly little girl’? I’ve felt this way for long enough to know that I’m not ‘just broody’. This is a way of life for me. It IS life. I’m not even living yet. 

So then, this morning, I asked him to keep the kitchen door shut as he was cooking curry for work and I had 3 lots of fresh laundry drying in the rest of the house. I came down to find the door open, and said said ‘thanks for shutting it’ and a passive-aggressive, very short argument ensued. That’s nothing, I know, but it’s that on top of everything else that just makes me resent him. I resent the way he’s changed since we first met, and I’ve had to let go of the person I once fell in love with. I resent him for letting me start this college course and then presenting me with this dilemma. I resent him for not taking responsibility for how his family will feel if we do break up, and I resent him for not letting me go.