Mismatches

I’m not sure why I was worried about today. It was brilliant, given that it was a family do and we had lots of meeting of new people to do. My brother’s girlfriend is wonderful, and the other brother’s girlfriend’s family are great too. 

I was worried about not being able to stop myself flirting with ‘Him at home’ (who was there, of course), but it was so easy. I was suspicious that as I got to know him more, I’d like him more. These fears got worse as I saw how he was with the little kids and the baby, but they were also totally wiped out an hour after everyone else had left. This guy, you see, is all about drinking, and can lay on the charm pretty thick. The funny thing is, he lays on this charm quite happily in front of a crowd, but you get him on his own and he’s as shy and awkward as me. I hate that – I want someone who’s shy in a crowd, but just fine one-on-one. That WAS what my boyfriend was like when I first met him. Anyway, back to ‘Him at home’… I knew from the start that he was all about drinking, but thought that perhaps he can handle his booze. I thought wrong, and it (he) was completely unattractive like that. I’ve never met him sober – and we’ve met more times than I can remember – so that’s one fear I can let go of. He walked me halfway home, then decided he’d let me carry on alone. The reason? So that he could go for a pint in a shithole on a roundabout, on his own. He had his chance to sell himself to me as a guy with a bit of decency and failed. I’m not appalled, because it’s not a surprise. More disappointed that my initial suspicions about him were correct. I was right to be wary; that’s something.

Tonight has got me thinking about my ‘type’, and whether who I go for is actually the kind of person I’m well matched with. The ex was a good match (before I got anxiety and he fled); we understood each other and had a similar outlook on life. My boyfriend now is a good match for me because we’re both shy, geeky and reserved I suppose. However, he’s also a bad match because he worries far too much and he lets it get him uptight, when I’m just crying out for love and affection that he can’t give. I want him to put his arms around me so much. I want him to pull me towards him and kiss me like he means it, not just because he has to, but that feels like a pipe dream. 

Can I stop him being so uptight, and loosen him up a bit? I have to try now, because as much as I might wonder about it, I fucking love him.