So… He’s dead and I’m alone…

So, My Guy flipped our car off a bridge and landed upside down in a creek and drowned. They couldnt get him out of the water. It was cold and at first they said that helped. … Maybe it did. It took twenty minutes for them to get him out of the water and get a pulse back. After that it took two days for the lack of oxygen to start shutting his body down.  God…. I can’t get into this now, but I watched the man I love die in front of me slowly and painful. It has been a slow motion nightmare I can’t escape. Nothing felt real. I felt like I was trapped in a alternative world. One that was similar, but just not right. It took me a long time to realize that he wasn’t coming back home to me again. Even after I kissed his face after his last breath, some part of me held hope it was a nightmare.

And I guess that part has rang true. It has been a nightmare  It’s been hell. I can’t believe that I haven’t fallen back into dope. I’ve barely been off the needle a year. And he was my support. But I haven’t touched it. He wouldn’t have wanted me to.

So here I am. Fired from my job for needing time off before we even had his body back from the morgue or the car released to impound. Truthfully, I have cried and mourned for that job as well. I dedicated myself selfishly to that job to just be slapped in face at the most heart wrenching moment. I kid you not, it broke me.

Then I was left with struggling to do everything by myself. With half the possible income. I still have the same bills, but it’s just me who can pay them. And so I got a job waitressing. I’m struggling so hard and I’m paying it almost all by myself. But I just can’t seem to get my car payment together

So…. They are going to repo it any minute now. And I don’t know what I am going to do at this point. Truthfully part of me is proud that’s all I’m going to lose. My God, do you know how easy it is to get back on dope? Especially when I shot it.

I’m just…. I’m trying so hard to stay together but grief is just overwhelming and I feel so heartbroken and scared and alone.

I’m not sure what to do, but I’m staying clean.

Granted…… I’m usually pretty drunk now.. …  Like… .Right now.