A time out post: “Why do you feel ashamed?”
I’m taking a time out to write candidly about my morning meeting. Typically when I write, I prefer to write something that I feel might be of value to someone else, whether amusing them with pretty words on a page (or screen) or by sharing a relational experience. But I’m just going to freestyle here for a minute.
I meet with an accountability group on Monday mornings. We’re small business owners or freelancers just meeting to help encourage each other and get on track with weekly goals. My goals for this week are threefold. First, I have to find a new home for my business course. I had a significant launch at the top of the month and it didn’t go well at all. I could see the problem right away. First and foremost, my own time management. I didn’t give myself enough time to properly market the program (although I did reach my goal on leads) and I didn’t properly do a test run on the platform. Come the day to launch and the payment processing wasn’t working and I was lacking some essential navigation steps. *sigh* The bottom line here is that the program needs a new platform that possesses the full features that I need and I need to carve out more time to fully develop the launch campaign. That’s goal #1 right now.
My second goal, and why I’ve come back to Open Diary (or rather coming to Open Diary for the first time. I was on Teen OD years ago), is to identify a handful of schools I’d like to apply to for an MFA program, possibly a dual program that includes a focus on teaching.
To support those goals, I decided it’s time for me to “…throw in the towel and apply for a PPP loan.” I’m just not going to be able to get this thing off the ground without a little more help. I want this program to work so I can focus on working part-time while in school instead of full time like I did in my undergraduate experience. One of my accountability partners immediately asked, “Why do you feel it’s ‘throwing in the towel’ to apply for the loan? You shouldn’t feel ashamed to ask for help. That’s what it’s there for.”
She’s an accountant.
It’s the second time within a week that it’s been suggested to me to run after that money while I can. My overall revenue hasn’t been high the past couple of years because #lifestuff keeps popping up, but I figure any help is going to help. I want to plot out how to use every potential penny I might receive so that it’s not squandered accidentally. When I have a plan for incoming funds, I tend to do well. When I don’t….a $20 flimflam here and a $30 subscription service there…can quickly chip away at any bundle of “extra” cash.
Alright, zooming out here to get to the real point of writing…
Why do I allow myself to continue the narrative that I shouldn’t ever ask for help? What’s my big hang up? I’m not afraid of rejection. I’m not afraid of someone telling me, no, they can’t help. I’m far more afraid of someone saying yes. Why?
I know much of this has to do with childhood conditioning. I know that in most cases, gifts and help in my family came at a cost. These “costs” ranged in type…a favor for a favor, a gift for overly abundant thanksgiving, a favor for the feeling of being indebted to the giver…the gifts hardly ever were what I would consider a gift. I know I do keep a “tally” in my head of who has helped me and if I owe them anything. I keep a tally of who I have helped. Although I don’t have the same level of expectation that my parents had of what I should receive in exchange for providing help, I will cut people off if the relationship is unbalanced. That sounds normal. Persistent “tallying” however doesn’t sound normal or healthy.
When I advise people, whether in my “muggle” profession of online business development or in my “magical” profession of divination, I always tell them, great leaders have great advisors. Great leaders aren’t great because they do it all. They’re great because they know how to bring people together to divide up the work. The leader has vision and takes responsibility for everyone else. That’s a rough paraphrasing, but you get the point. I’m not good at taking my own medicine, but boy I can I diagnose and prescribe!
Shame. I recently read in a book, Holistic Psychology, that, “shame is a misreading of our physiology.” Dr. LePera explains that we become conditioned into these negative thinking patterns because at some point the patter had served a purpose to help us survive. We internalize emotions rather than seeing emotions as symptoms. If we can observe emotions as a physical response, change the behavior and you can change your thinking and life. That’s what I’m getting out of it anyway. I’ve heard the saying, “change your mind, change your life,” whereas here it’s more of a…understand your mind and heart, peer into them objectively, then create the action that will deliver a different outcome.
But the emotions are so compelling.
If I’m honest with myself, more often than not, on the few occasions where I have asked for help (outside of my childhood home) the result has mostly been me getting the help I need if not more than what I could have imagined.
Why do I feel like a fraud in this moment?
There’s another layer of distrust. I have faceplanted in the past. I have gotten in trouble or taken my blessings for granted. I’ve betrayed myself and I know I lie to myself. In addition to this shame from childhood and society, I have a broken relationship with my own decision making process. Yet it seems to be exclusive to me finding help for myself. I will do just about anything for my friends, family, colleagues and clients. Need a mountain moved? I’ve already got my wheelbarrow and I’m getting those rocks out of the way. But asking for help to move the mountain blocking my path, no way.
I feel like I got splashed in the face with cold water at how matter of fact she said it, “This money is for this exact situation you’re in. You’d be foolish not to go after it. You need to move fast.” So, I’m going to feel uncomfortable, do the thing, and hope I get the help I need. In the meantime, I’m going to do what I can to make space to welcome the money, have little homes for it, maybe investing in some advertising or working with a marketing professional and a VA. I don’t know. All I know is that I need to exercise leadership by asking for help and shift my narrative away from shame and toward higher self esteem. Only when I’m on solid ground can I really get moving in the right direction to help others.