dial tone.

August 26, 2005

this confessional is my prison

my body is slowly shutting down on me. i am trying to tell everybody, silently, that maybe they should be careful with my limbs and organs. i fear they may tear if you pull a little too hard. but no body listens to whispers. no body listens to the way my bones creak and the way i limp like an aged lady at twenty.

i expressed my fear of waking in the middle of the night to her while we sipped coffee and dragged smoke into our lungs. she confessed that she is afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone in the house. she tells me that she locks herself in her room and jumps at every noise that she hears. i smiled.

and i told her that maybe our hearts were still children, scared of these things, just trapped in a grown up body. she said we have the right to be afraid. and i agree.

i believe every grown up is afraid of something.

a man came into the store tonight while i was alone, this is not unusual. what was unusual was the fact that he lent over the counter and with thin lips and reeking breath he asked me quietly if i ever went to confessional. my eyes must have given me away because he shook his head, tut-tutted and made his way out of the store.

there are many things about this incident that make me think. but i realise that i do not need confessional, i do not want confessional because i have my own. i have my words and my paper and ink. and i think it is all i will ever need.

but even then this man scared me. and i cannot get the smell of his breath out of my head.

i have written him a letter of confessions. maybe i will save my own soul.

maybe i will save my childish heart before it catches up with my aging bones.

tell me what you are scared of.

[in addition, i think i have perfected the art of making a cup of coffee. as perfect as instant can be anyhow. this fact calms me.]

3,2,1

August 27, 2005

I’ve always thought that everyone must have a different confessional. Speaking to a priest will only mean something to very few, and for many more it is far more personal to write things down or tell people with faces. I sometimes feel like an aged woman too. I wrote it in my latest entry in fact. But I don’t mind, it suits me well, and I can sympathise with my grandma more. x

ryn// you should learn japanese. It isn’t as difficult as it sounds, as the verbs are all regular, unlike French or English. But I think you would be wise to work harder than I have been, as I now have 14 days before I move there for a year to master the language. x

i begin.

about your note,is that literally,or metaphorically speaking?a double entendre,perhaps?i need somebody to talk to over coffee and cigarettes at night,when neither of us is drunk.i need to perfection the art of coffee making.or hope to find a good coffee shop next to place once i move to london.take care.

i think i might love him but i don’t want to let him know. every time something goes wrong, it wounds me almost irreparably but all it takes is a few words from him before i’m perfect again.i miss him like everything but i worry that if i see him again, i’ll never be able to escape.

paint myself out

i’m afraid that one day i’ll wake up and realize i’ve done nothing, become nothing.. i’m afraid of failure. oh, and spiders.

she swore

I’m afraid of the feelings I have for a girl half-way across the country.

anyday.

I’m afraid of police harassmnet and cancer.

Luci

I’m afraid of falling, especially from great heights. I’m afraid of being alone/abandoned. I’m afraid of loving someone (admitting it). I’m afraid of being loved, as it’s such a responsibility. I’m afraid that my worries are reality. I’m afraid of waking & not existing in this sense anymore. I’m afraid of something getting me in the night, stealing me from bed & taking me to some dark place.

I also fear aging a great deal, death. I fear that my body is just going to give out on me entirely one day. I feel much older than I should at eighteen.

liebe.

i am bone shakingly terrified of the dark. my imagination convinces me of things in split seconds and then i’m under the blankets shivering. i can recall so vividly how a hand grabbing my foot will feel and brace myself for the moment it does. i am tiny in the dark. the night crushes me into a smaller package, somehow.

i am scared of forgetting things, scared that one day i may lose the memories i once had, large or small, and then i will have nothing left. everything i once had will disappear because i cannot remember it. it will all fade out i will become non-existent. ryn: i am in sydney, australia. so yes, the southern hemisphere. where would one find you? much love. xx;

moons of jupiter

though words and paper and inkare (like yourself) all i hope i really needi am still very afraidof lossof losing my wordsmy friendsmyself.and on top of all this, i’m afraid of growing up.

shetalkstoangels.

terrified of being alone. but more so of being alone with myself. i dont know if i stop all the denial that i’ll like what my mind has to say. i wrote out my dirty little secrets one day. and i felt better. but more just kept piling up. im sure that means something. but i cant come to the realization of what it means.

this is war

August 28, 2005

oh how i love you ;;

ultimate maybe,

hello my dear,i am afraid of many things…i’m scared of being alone, of not being good enough. i’m scared of failure and of letting myself down. i’m scared of underachivement and people hating me. i’m afraid that one day i will wake up and i will be alone with no one to love me. and i will have lost myself. xxxx

SpectaKula

I’m afraid of pretty much everything. I’ve just perfected the art of hiding it.

Princess Ashlee

i’m afraid he is going to fall out of love with me…

the unknown.but arent we all?

[morphine induced]

im afraid i’ll never get my chance with himim afraid everyone will know that i starve myselfi’m afraid if i tell him how i feel we wouldnt be friends anymoreim afraid i’ll never be loved.

.polyhymnia.

August 29, 2005

i’m terrified of what might come out of my mouth if i ever start really talking. and i’m afraid that i’ll always take the easy way out.xoxo

soil and steel.

subliminal messages.

-vampire.kiss-

still no letter in the post 🙁

I capture the castle

i’m afraid of not doing anything with my lifeand trying to build a life with this new boybecause i don’t even knowif he wants that to happen.i’m afraid to try new things because of my ex& some mornings i am afraid to look at him sleepingi’m afraid to like him incase he disappears from my lifexo

“and i told her that maybe our hearts were still children, scared of these things,” – well that certainly made my heart skip a beat… i think pascal said it best… well at least for me… “i am terrified by the eternal silence of these infinite spaces” nsi – psyche.