counting down

and so, in less than six weeks i will be married and overseas. i am terribly excited and jittery and not at all nervous. although. sometimes i worry. i worry that he is not as excited. i worry because his ex is back on the scene and she is messaging and calling every so often. i worry just because i am having a hard time with my moods and not sleeping and i am snapping and i am afraid that i will drive him away. i found myself checking his messages the other day just to make sure nothing bad was being said and i feel sososo guilty. ugh. i can be so hard sometimes and i wish i could stop myself but i just let my mind run away with me.

but still. i just need to stop thinking.

i am writing about deaf girls and sparrows and a life told through polaroids. although that was a while ago and nothing new is coming. i am half way through everything with no muse to finish.

i am so tired. these early mornings and these late nights are taking their toll. and i hardly see the boy, i spend other time by myself. i feel like i have no time. and sometimes, it feels like i have far too much, but i cannot motive myself to do anything with it.

i am battling headaches and i haven’t yet eaten today, and it is now eleven pm. i suppose i should try and keep something down before the boy gets home from work.

i am losing myself. i am losing the me that used to reside within these white pages. i miss the me that used to sit in front of this screen every night and read and comment and write. i miss that me, but i don’t think that i could do it now. i suppose we will just have to see. i have work tomorrow and a night planned with my girls on tuesday, to watch movies and plan the hens night… this should be so wonderful. the smile on my face is massive.