body and mind were never meant to be

i believe that my body is slowly self-destructing from the head down.

it constantly amazes me how human beings are constantly complaining, constantly straining voices to be heard over everyone else and then we complain about that too.

i complain too much.

i complain about my migrane that has lasted for five days on end, i complain about not being able to write. i complain about assignments that would have been easy had i only started them a week earlier. i complain about people not dropping everything to want to be near me, or keep me company. i complain about the way she drinks her wine, glass held shakily between three fingers. i complain about being too selfish, and then i complain about the world not revolving around me.

but we all know the world doesn’t revolve around anybody, or any entity for that matter and slowly my bones are beginning to wrap themselves around that idea.

it has grown cold here, but it was cold beneath my skin long before that. and i wonder how this boy has not seen that coldness just yet. how he has not seen the way my eyes glaze over, the way i stare down every being that passes me.

i wonder how he has not seen that i hate people. and yet, i crave them as well.

my mouth tastes dirty and my fingers slowly pick away stray strands of hair from bedsheets and pillowcases, yet i am too lazy to do anything about this. too lazy to crawl out from beneath my fortress of blankets and face the sun shining through my window. my body and mind have separated, fought for too long over trivial things and have decided that maybe they did not belong together in the first place. and so my mind is elsewhere and my body is left doing idle things because it cannot comprehend the world without the mind that kept it mobile for so long.

i believe this happens to everyone.

i believe that body and mind were never meant to be placed together in one place, that slowly they will just begin to destroy each other.

there is no use putting two negatives together…

she tells me about the theory of evolution on our front porch, three fingers tightening around her glass. she tells me how we evolved from apes and how, within so many years we will evolve again in robots, or cyborgs. human brain and mechanical body and this has begun to make sense to me. it makes sense because this is the only way they will be able to keep mind and body together for a very long time. the body must hold the mind captive.

she tells me how the human race is evolving. and maybe i will argue that we are devolving. slowly wiping our complete selves out.

she tells me i think too much, and i tell her that her bones do not feel enough.

if they did, she would know that we are not really compatible entities, and that soon the world will throw us off its back.

[it is late, and i am procrastinating. i am alone in the house, with a glass of wine and an assignment. this does not help.]