Highs and Lows, Ups and Downs (Long Sleeves)

Ok, so it doesnt help that im listening to a very sad song, albeit one which is meant to be uplifting for me. (Coldplay – Fix You – seriously, an amazing song…) but I am definitely down. Not just "oh dear the weather is bad and I have no money" but down.

Im not quite sure why I feel like this. I felt better yesterday afternoon but then I woke up this morning and I just couldnt drag myself out of bed. Im constantly tired, and I just cant shake a feeling of forboding and blackness. Im struggling to gain a foothold in my research project. I have no idea where I am going with my experiments. I have a 10-15 page un finished preliminary report for Friday. I know that people are dying and there is world poverty and hunger and war, and that makes me even more mad at myself for getting down on myself about stupid things. I have a roof over my head, I can eat, I have drinking water. Why should I be worried about anything? A white Western male is worried becuase he hasnt impressed his lab supervisor yet. How fucking pathetic and shallow am I?

I had to cover up my arms today. It was ok when I was in the lab, I wore my lab coat. But when I was doing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom here in the flat I was running around trying to hide my scabs. I didnt actually break the skin as such, but I scratch at the surface at an angle so that it grazes. Cant even self harm properly. There I go again. Self harm is right up there with world starvation and destruction. Well done ego boy!