Value check

It’s been a pretty full couple of weeks.

I got a job offer from a bank. They wantedme to be part of the group working on their internet site. They promised to pay me a lot of money – 500$ more a month than I mke now, and a pension fund. I feel weak as I type this even, because that is a damn lot of money for me. More than I thought I could make in the next few years. A sum that could aloow me to stop taking even the smallest amount of money from my parents. A sum I could, theoretically, live on and raise children from, if I wanted to. But I didn’t take it.

Saying no to that was the better career move and frankly – I really don’t feel like moving from where I am now. It took me a while to feel comfortable, I have some really interesting projects i’m doing. I like my name in print. I don’t connect to most of the people I work around, but I do have some good friends there. And I think people pretty much like me and respect me. I am in the center of things. The heart of the business. At the bank, i would be very very low down the heirarchy. A little bug in the system. On the other hand, I would be doing some real life marketing work, instead of just talking about it. I would also be learning about internet writing, editing and designing – and we all know internet is the future (whenever I think that I imagine Daniel’s dad telling him “plastic is the future, son!”. How can we plan for the future if we are so clueless about what it is? My dad said “A bank is a good place. It’s good to get your foot into the door of a bank”. I suddenly realized that even my cool parents are parts of a different generation. Working at a bank nmo longer promises job security for life and anyway… who wants job security for life? Who wants to spend all of their life in a bank.

On the other hand, how good are the alternatives? I’m very glad i’ve made the decision already because even just thinking about it now makes me feel nervous. The whole thing really threw me into turmoil for a week or so. I really had to dig up who I really am and what’s inportant to me in life. Comfort or ambition? Independence or possiblities? What other people say, or how I feel, or how I feel about what other people say? Now or the future? How much do I do necause of what I can get? How much do I choose because of what I am scared of, because of things I am running away from? Who am i making decisions for – myself, or also my parents and possible future children? Ugh, it makes me feel sick. But it also woke me up and made me feel alive.

I wonder if everyone takes these things so hard. First the apartment, now the job. Some people seem to glide through these things so easily. For me every decision, every change, seems to be like a making or breaking of my life. But other people move house or job all the time. But maybe it’s like weddings, the bride goes through the whole thing in a trance, not seeing anything, on clouds or in hell. It’s one of the most important things in her life. But nobody sees it – maybe they catch a little shiver in her voice. When someone else gets married, they look like they do it every day.

Notice i’ve been to many wedding lately? Five, to be exact, in the past two months. I wonder if when i get married (if ever) people will still think it’s kind of exciting, or will they and all their many children be already tired of the whole idea. When I think of weddings, i’m always completely sure I’ll have one and completely sure i’ll never have one, and I’m copmpletely sure of both things at the exact same momet. I’m 28 and single, no man in sight. So it’s not unreasonable to believe that things will continure the way they have up to now. ut on the other hand…  can totally imagine the whole thing – the dress, the siong before the ceremony, the song right after the ceremony, the whole playlist for the dancing, what i’ll say, what he’ll say, the place, the total lack of Rabbi. It’s so strong in my mind that I can’t really believe it won’t happen. what’s for sure, it’ll never be what i’m imagining, and what i’m imagining will probably continue to live on even after it’s become unreasonable (either because i’ll already have had my real wedding, or because i’ll have passed the age where getting married seems like an option).

But if I can’t have my dream wedding, at least I had my dream party. Me and Griraffe had it at my new house last week, and it was pretty much perfect. True, Spagetti and her boyfriend mad snobbish faces for an hour and leegft early, because the Vodka was neither Finlandia nor Absolut and all of the cute guys were gay. But all of the other 100+ people there seemed to enjoy themselves, and the party looked and felt just like if I had fantasized it: A stream of people coming in, rushing to kiss and hug me, Guns&Roses and Courtney Love as part of the playlist, 4 couples hooking up, the police coming in at midnight to stop the noise, but the poeple not wanting to go so we played games like “truth or dare” and ‘I never” till 14:00. I felt 16 again, except better. It was really really cool. And to thing that a few days earlier I was crying to Giraffe that I should never have parties, that I am an organizational faliure, that no one will come, that the neighbors will throw me out…

The only “problem” with the party was the guy I was with. A guy i’d met a week earlier through a friend. It’s been a while since someone has been really interested in me. But sadly, it didn’t mke it work. I was always sure I could be attracted to anyone who wasn’t really ugly or really dumb. But I guess I was wrong. This guy was cute-looking, though not very attractive. he was smartish – an engineer. But not intellectual. What really confused me was that the conversations really flowed, but than I couldn’t remember anything interesting he said. And he was uncute to the point where I really needed to be fascinated by what he said to fall in love with him.

Here is something that really killed it for me. We were talking about yom Kippur and about fasting, and I asked him if he believed in god, and he said “i don’t know, i’ve never really thought about it deeply”.

What the F??????????? Who hasn’t ever thought about god? Who in the world has never thought about god? Every taxi driver in New York, every cave dweller in Afganistan, Every bucket-carrying grandma in a small village in Tibet. Every redneck, every whiore, every pregnant teenager in the collapsing public shool system. Every keg drinking freshman in the university of Indiana.  Everyone of them has thought about God. Most people even have an opinion, but even those who don’t, have given it some thought. Deep thought. Either you know, or you know that you don’t know.

Personally, I don’t really belive in God, but I don’t really believe I can proove he doesn’t exist, and I sure don’t know what does exist that drieves things, i’m pretty sure it’s not nothing, but i doubt it’s a god the way we imagine him. so basically I don’t have an opinion, but I can talk about that lack of opinion for hours if needed. I sure have though about it. But when it comes to this guy, I

don’t care about god. I do care about thought.

I do beleive if he was an extreme hunk, I would have held on to him for a few more weeks. Which shows just how much integrity i have. I didn’t want to break up with him – he was really nice, good, and he liked me. But when we tried to go to bed, it was so horrible… I wanted to throw up. I knew I could never do it again. It wasn’t even really a choice.

So this is what’s up with me now. It’s Yom Kippur and I’m fasting. Not because of god. So why? I’m not sure. I have thought about it, many times, and i have many possible explanation, but i’m not sure. So why is it so important to think? I don’t know, maybe it’s just fun. I like this particular form of masturbation, and I want a boy who won’t mind doing it with me.