rekindle

Dear diary. It’s been almost 6 EFFING YEARS since my last confession…

Wow. 6 years of not writing here. The joke is that I get on this site every few days, I note people and I read, but I don’t write anymore. For 6 years there was nothing that I fealt was urgent and burning enough tthat I had to write about it here. How can that be? This place used to be an extension of my brain, just part of me.

So many people I knew here have left for good. Or maybe they’re in the sidelines wating for something to happen, just like me?

I’ve been spending my time of an israeli social network site called Tapuz, but it’s very different from here. I read my diary and I realize how personal and really really honest I got here. Maybe it’s the different language that made everything seem more distant, and therefore bearable, and so I could ramble about my insecurities, stupid crushes, sex troubles and indeacencies and so on.

I also knew some seriously crazyqcreative people….

I wonder if being that honest with yourself and other people, even people who don’t really cross your real life ever,  is a good thing for life or not.

Here is a short recap of what happened since last time: After we got married we moved into a nice apartment in the suburbs, and after a bit f thinking, me more seriously than him, decided that we did want a kid and tried to have one. That was not so easy to do, and involved heavy duty fertility treatments, which were not as bad as I thought they would be. After about a year of treatments we were pregnant with Roni who is now 2.5 years old and very cute. I love her very much, though since I’m still me, I always wonder if i love her enough, if maybe there are other mothers out there who REALLY love their children? More than me?

Our relationship is still good though not as romantic as it used to be, but good in a very married couple with a kid kind fo way.

I gained a lot of weight through the pregnancy and all.

I’m still at my job at the paper. this takes up most of my time, energy and thinking space. My job is in general my life and not in a good way. Working to change that a bit.

I am living in relative personal safety, though that’s not true for everyone here. Some people ar still in the rocket’s range and get shot at once every few months… and that’s life and people live like that. Financial security and crime ar emore worrying at the moment than actual terrorism and war though that is just because I am ignoring the Iran situation, which could develop in any way… or not at all. It’ s hard to see if either side is bluffing.

Re my friends that you know… Spaghetti is still my best friend. She married, had 2 kids, her husband got a great job and they suuddenly became rich, which is wierd. She’s trying not to be rich while still trying to be rich – you know what I mean? She buys a great house and hires a stylist to furnish it. and buys trash cans for 300$ a can, and then she says how stange it is to be rich and how unfair it is to the people who are poor and so on…. being rich agrees with her though, she always liked nice things.

Giraffe is married to a very nice guy, she moved far from me and we always argue who will drive to see who(m?). (<- Is that considered the dangling particle? I always heard about dnagling particles ad never knew what that meant. Obviously not the mental picture that I get when I hear "dangling particle). Hwe ex Green that I dated for a short while lives in the US with his wife and 2 kids. Same wife that he didn’t really like in the beginnign and married her anyway. They seem fine now.

Daniel, my mythological ex, is also married, in the US, and seems quite happy, He has become really annoying and I kind of sometimes want to puke when he writes thing on facebook that in the past I would think were so cute. I have become Physically allergic to his sense of humor. But he will always be daniel and I will always have a weak spot in my heart for him.

Pomme didn’t end up going crazy. She doesn’t believe any more that she is getting telepathic messages. Or she does buut hides it well.

Odie, the first boyfrined that I talked about here, is married and no longer unemployed. I have not met him since our brakeup.

I feel icky a bit when I read here about some of the guys I dated back then. Those were sonme wild times but I’m really glad it’s over.

Here’s something secret and honest: I started writing a novel a few years ago, and finished it ansdd sent it to a publisher, and they sent me an encouraging rejection. The kind that some good writers said they got in the beginning. They said the book was entertaining and well written but had a few serious plot line problems… I’m trying to fix it and send it somewhere else.

 Here’s something that I used to do here

Time: 22:57

Mood: Reflective. Glad to be writing finally. Bummed that i’m not working like I should be.

y:

Writing About: Cancer vaccines. Dreams

Daily philosophical approach / deep thought:  Worrying and not worrying get you to the same place.

Nice thing that happened: I wrote on OD again

Interesting thing that happened: Running into some old OD friends and seeing how their lives turned out.