If it weren’t my life

It might be funny.

That was a slogan for one smear campaign for the Israeli presidency. “It that weren’t our prime minister, we’d be laughing”. I find it, and variants of it, so useful. That sentence really symbolizes how different crappy things seem, depending on the way you look at them.

I had a really good story to tell this month, about how i woke up one day, and not much of my previous life was there. In 3 days, i totalled my car, got transfered at my job, lost an apartment i was all ready to move into, and broke up with my boyfriend. The only thing that saved me from being really upset about it, was enjoying the impact that the story had on people. And then, one evening I was watching TV, feeling sorry for myself, and then the TV started making funny noises. Suddenly, blue smoke started coming out of it, and filled my room. The whole place smelled like burnt plastic. I had to sleep at a hostel that night. I wish I was kidding….

The details? Well, after a few misunderstandings with Violet, my boss, she decided it better that I move to a different section of the paper. Actually, it was kind of a releif, even though it was a blow to my ego. I was working really hard, and nothing I did seemed to be what she wanted. The new place has a lighter work load, though the job description is the same, and the work is team work – more fun and a lot less lonely. Responsibility is also combined, which is a huge load off my back. One boss and one employee – 5% of the time it will be a love afair, 95% they’ll murder each other.

I also get to write more now, and edit less, which is really really fun. I’m a crappy editor. I really am. I try really hard and only get to be “OK”. I have no eye for detail or graphic design. I have trouble bossing people, negotiating and being a bitch. And it’s not by chance most editors are bitches. It kind of comes with the job. I really need a new job. I’m getting paid for something i’m bad at – they’ll end up firing me. The writing is a nice benefit and i’m good at it, but there are other good writers that also bring news… They won’t keep me as a writer full time. I need a new job.

I know. Work second, boyfriend first. Crap. I hate even thinking about it. Jonathan broke up with me. It was sad for both of us, but it was the right thing, in retrospect. I was a mess. I wish I wasn’t, because i have no idea if my reactions were the cause or the result of him not loving me. He was deffinately very attached to me, and the brakeup was hard for him too, though i bet by now he’s much more over it than i am. I don’t know if I reacted to strongly to legitimate changes in his mood, or if he was cold and distant and I was reacting reasonably. No one can help me answer this question because no one was really there, except him and me and we each have our emotional filters.

But once i a while i convince myself that i could have been stronger, more accepting, more nonchalant. And then i cry because i think I may have missed out on something great.

And then I remeber other incidents, and I cry because I feel I put up with too many bad moods of his, and convinced myself that it was me, and I ask myself why I put up with it for so long. And i’ll never know which one it really is. Because the good times – they were really good.

And i killed another car. Thank god no one got hurt. My new car has 6 airbags and my parents are still scared. I felt so horrible. And the landlord of my supposed-to-be new apartemnt, te beautiful amazing aprtment I was supposed to live in with a friend of mine, backed out at the last moment, and then the friend backed out, and now i’m looking for an apartment all alone, meaning with roommates I don’t know, and of all thing maybe this one bums me out the most. I’m f*cking 28. How long am i going o live with annoying roommates. I have no money for a nice apartment of my own in Tel Aviv, and i can’t seem to find a friend to live with. A few said maybe but no one can actually commit to anything. Hair said “Well, if you see something nice, tell me and I might join you”. Mint said “Well, get a place with too rooms and if I come sleep there, i’ll pay”. Amd Giraffe said “Well, 70% chance that i’ll leave Neo, and then 70% that we can find a place we both agree on… wanna come and look for places?”. I can’t believe i’m the one saying this but people – spontanuous only goes so far. I have to know if i’m looking for a 4 room place with 2 people i don’t know, or a 3 room place that’s empty? There is a sligh difference, you see. Jesus, i’m dying to move and i’ve been looking since March. Who knew it would be this hard? People move all the time. But not for me. Not now. Everything is hard. I used up all my luck by not dying in that accident.

Well, my brother cam back and he wants his computer. Did i mention my microwave got weird and did something to the electricity, something that erased my hard disc? It’s in restoration now. I can pretend to watch TV on the fridge, but it’s about as far as my life will go, as far as electronic devices are concerned.

I’ve decided that since i don’t update much, i have to get one of those list thing everyone has, where i can just keep you and myself updated on the outlines of my life, every few days, even when my hands hurt and my mind is numb and i can’t type another tiny word. Not even “the”.

Which is most days.

So here is the list thing. Interesting to see what a person find important about him/her-self.

Time: 22:17 on friday.

Mood: Edgy, phlegmatic.

Boy: I’m pretending to myself that i’m interested in Idan from my job, because he’s the kind of boy I usually date – he’s fat but he wroe a book. I’m really interested in some other guy, Owfer, who’s to good looking and charismatic for me, but i think i’m going to try.

Writing About: Teenagers and their consumption habits

Daily philosophical approach / deep thought: Having an ego is okay, as long as you go about doing things that credit it, instead of just talking about them.