I will STOP now (or else i will die or something)

This whole job thing has really thrown me off whack. I debated with myself and with anyone I know for ages, only to end up making what I am pretty sure was the wrong decision, Then I changed my mind and then decided that was immature and re-changed it, thereby closing any door i might have possibly had. It’s really depressing.

Well, in reality it’s not that bad – i am proud of myself for having gotten to the point where i had two possible jobs that were good and that wanted me. i am just SO not proud of myself for the way i handled the process. I handled it obseesively compulsively psychotically. I suffered so much from what was supposed to be a good thing… and ended up making choices that weren’t really choices – they were attempts at making my head stop spinning.

I feel the way i did when I was waiting for some guy to call – can’t sleep, can’t think, compulsively calling him even though I know it would just make things worse – every step bringing me closer to doom and not realizing that it’s not the end of the world. One boy, one job offer… it’s not the end! But i can’t get over that. I can’t get over seeing myself two years from now trying again for the job i turned down – older, more desperate  – and not getting it. It freaks me out, and somehow i see no other choice. You know – not that it would be that bad prectically, to give myself a few more years and then change jobs…. but it would be humuliating.

I hadn’t realized about age. It was my birthday yesterday and it blew my mind away. I realized that starting a new career in a corporate place at 32, is not like starting it now, at 29. All of th emanagers would be younger than me…. i’m, used to being the youngest person around everywhere i go, the wunderkind.

I know this feeling will pass but i also know it will haunt me for years at moments. Today i tried to wake uo from it, as if it were a bad dream… I wish there was some drug i could take to make this feeling stop.

There’s a site called crying while eating. it’s here: http://cryingwhileeating.com. It’s interesting to see what people, i mean what internet-connected western people, cry about. It’s mostly about missed potentials and bad choices. I stare at it and want to say to these people that it’s a waste of time to cry over bad choices made and missed opportunities, things that are not real pain at you life at the moment. Loneliness, health, death, cruelty – we should cry about these, and spend the rest of our lives happy. But we’re stupid… after all, if i’d never talked to that ad agency, i would never have fealt that anything is missing. Would i?

I showeed the site to Nir. He didn’t understand what was so interesting about ti – which is something else to cry about.