I need some feedback on this

I’m sorry about heaping all of that death on you in the past two entries. I guess it kind of fits with my mood of late, that has been really weird. I can’t really get in touch with it at the moment because right now i’m at my parent’s house (where i usually have time and the mood to write…that’s why y’all probably think i still live with my parents…), and i’m feeling pretty good and content. I’m really relieved because i was beginning to think I was depressed for no reason. ow I know it’s really about work.

Work is driving me nuts. On one hand i’m doing a cool, interesting, creative job and earning a nice amount of money. On the other hand, there are things at my job i don’t like and i’m really stressing out about. I don’t like how I have to deliver each and every day. I on’t like how people (interviewees) try to lie to me and sell me all kinds of spins.. i’ve had people lie to my face more than once this week ("The IPO was a great success" – when it obviously wasn’t) and while I know it’s their job and people lie to the press all the time, I hate to have to keep in mind all the time that I can’t believe anything I hear, that I can’t get excited automatically by everything I hear. I like to work with my interviewees and not against them. But this week I heard more than once, "Don’t let them trick you"  "Don’t fall for anything they say".

Another thing driving me crazy is the amount of different tasks i have to juggle. I am SO behind that I can’t even make a list off the top of my mind of all my different tasks. I’ve worked really ahrd the last week, but the list doesn’t seem to be getting shorter. Every few hours I remember another thing I didn’t do and my breath catches and I wonder – when and how am I going to get THAT one in, too! I am constantly short of breath and on the verge of panic, except on weekends.

There have been personal changes at my job as well. Some people I like going away, some people i’m not sure I like coming in. Two of my friends getting promoted and slowly pulling away from me becuase they’re too senior… I still have a lot of nice people there, but I do kind of feel the world closing in on me when i think of all of the support I used to enjoy and how fast it can deteriorate. I’m not sure my workplace is a benevolent place. They hire many people with disabilities, which is very heart warming. But sometimes they throw out good people out for no good reason.

And at home… Nir is wonderful. He really is. I love him so much. But there are difficult parts. I don’t see my friends as much. i don’t do the intellectual things i used to love – lectures, book readings, gallery openings – he’s not that into these things and there’s a limit to how much i feel comfortable doing alone – or how much I want to do alone. I want to spend time with him, but we watch to much TV for my tastes. Anyone know good things for a couple to do at home in winter, which don’t involve TV, food or sex – which we’re usually too tired for?

And i’ve gained some weight. 10 extra pounds that are sitting on my soul. Can’t get rid of them… Nir’s mom, and her damn deliveries of coconut cakes that taste even better if you eat them straight out of the freezer.

There are good things, too, even at work itself. But I sometimes feel that the stress is taking to good edge off the good things. And i have these weird depressive reactions. I was talking to Giraffe on the phone about this guy she’s dating. I was trying to make some point about how he seems like someone to really have fun with, but he doesn’t seem like her type. She didn’t understand me – she was talking to me and doing other things at the same time and somehow got the impression that I thought SHE was not good enough for him – exactly the opposite! Anyway, it was an ugly misunderstanding that we corrected wuickly but after I hung up the phone with her I started crying really hard – for the feeling of being misunderstood, for the thought that even things that were so easy in the past, like talking about guys with friends, are difficult now. Everything seems difficult except reading a book.

And the weird thing is I don’t feel like telling anyone in the world about how i’m feeling. Not Nir, for fear he won’t be able to give me the support I need, and that he’ll find my company less amusing, ar maybe think that i’m against him some how.  Not Giraffe, because she’ll go into a big new-age speach about how I have to do exactly what I want to do – as if I have any idea… and she’ll do it usuing that patronising voice and smile she uses when she gets into her new-age ways. Not Spaghetti who will jump at the chance to make me feel like the little kid who needs help once again. Not Carrot, who will listen empathicly but inside secretly wonder what’s so hard for me when i work probably half the hours she does without even incorporating the time she spends on her sprorts, her cleaning and her animals. Not my mom, who will just be saddened by it. Not my dad who will tell me (in his too-loud voice) to just give it all up and go back to the university. Not Pomme, who could have been a good ear but whom I haven’t seem one on one for more than a month. Not Celery, who thinks you can fix everything with money. Not Pea, whe doesn’t ever have any timeany more, who will try to make it about Nir – when Nir is actually the good point here.

But that’ waht the diary is here for, right? I actually told people… real people who can give me advice, but who won’t throw it back on me at the wrong moment…. i’ve never been a secretive person in my real life but this is not the first time i;ve neede just this exact outlet. I’m so glad it exists!