Ceasefire

On the day the war ended it was like someone took the world and shook it briefly, and when everything setteled down, the little normal things had grown back to their normal size after being shrunk and unimportant during the last few weeks. Suddenly, it matters again if I make it on time to work or if my pants can zip.

It’s amazing how fast things have gone back to normal. How the happy songs on the radio are no longer forced attempts at being happy but rather the normal much that radios play all over the world. Things aren’t normal for everyone… not the families that have lost people, not people who were wounded or who don’t have a house or the soldiers that are still there… but for the rest of the people it’s weirdly easy to forget that.

I went back to Hifa after 6 weeks of not being here. It was overwhelming. Haifa is the most beautiful place in the world. The small houses ar built in the middle of the forest and you can see ther sea from almost everywhere, because the mountain is kind of a peninsula (sp?). During the war my dad said something about leaving Haifa but now it seems so unimaginable. I missed my parent’s house and the quiet I have here. When I came home my parent’s hugged me really really hard. Not that they didn’t see me – they saw a lot of me during the past weeks. But I guess we all saw me coming back to Haifa as the last thing needed to show we’ve returned to normal.

The wedding… is in two weeks! AAAAAAA. I wish I could say that everything is ready. Far from it. The big things are done. I still have to decide what i’m doing with my hair. I want it natural but there a a gazzilion different forces trying to get me to put it up or pull it back and spray it… to the point where it won’t look like hair. I’ll see what I’ll do.

The wedding is soooo expensive. Frighteningly so. I’ve never dealty with so much money. maybe only when buying the car and yet not even that much.

Aside from the practical things… this is a very weird time fro a couple I think. I wonder if other people here fealt this way beofre their marriages? Most of the time I know I’m doing the right thing, but sometimes I feel like I got here by chance and Nir is just one of a million possible guy. But I do know it’s not true…. now I do. But yesterday I wasn’t sure. And I wonder what he feels. I’ve gained some weight (about 10 pounds) since we started dating and I know it bothers him a bit. Does he feel I tricked him? I’m sure he thpught I would loose the weight for my wedding like any girl… and then that didn’t happen. Am I anything at ll like he thought I was in the beginning? Does it bother him that his best friend’s wife always wears makeup and pretty clothes while I almost never wear makeup and my clothes are more regular? And then a few days ago I saw a picture of my boyfriend from age 19. What a hottie. And he liked me with even more weight than now. Why did I break up with him? Nir is wonderful, but if I’d stayed with Aviv I would have saved myself years of torture…. and interesting experiences. I remember I was bored with him but  was only 19. What did I know. It wasn’t his fault. I really hurt him when we broke up and that was so unfair. I hate to be ungrateful. Bt i’m glad I made it up to here and met Nir. He’s amazing for me in so many ways. Many things connect us. He lets me be me, be dominant in the relationship, without letting me get to wrapped up into myself. He’s a doer where i’m a talker. I know how to start – get excited about an Idea, push for going for it. He knows how to finish, fine-tune, take care of the detail.

This is just a bit of all the toughts running throuhg my head and keeping me up at night. I’m sleeping very badly and it shows in the morning. I’m a mess. I guess i’ll always be a mess. Happy times, sad times, they all mess me up.

2 weeks. actually 2 weeks minus a day. I can’t wait but I wish I had more time to prepare. But I kind of want it to be over…