big kids

I’ve been thinking for the past few years about how people never grow up, really. My ex Jonathan told me that when his group plays basketball, they pick the two best players, and these two divide the rest of the group by picking people by turn. I said “I don’t believe you! Do you know how many people were traumatized by that as children? It seems so much WORSE to go through it as an adult”. and he just said “yeah, but if you divide it randomly, how can you be really sure that the teams will be really equal every time?”. And i think “but who CARES…. So what if one out of three or four times, you will see real differences in the teams. If it worth the humiliation, the scarring of poor not-so-young souls?”.

I can’t believe picking people for groups is still allowed. I can’t believe we can still leave the house in the morning only to meet the traumas of our childhood, again. A friend of mine, age 28, was playing volleyball on the beach and then 3 bigger guys came and just made them leave. No, there’s still nothing to do about it. The guy might pull a knife at you.

At work my coworkers laugh at this woman who works with us. She really is kind of laughable – she’s obsessive compulsive about her work, drives everyone crazy and doesn’t get things… doesn’t get when people laugh at her. It’s 3rd grade material. It’s so unbecoming 30-40 year old men, most of them fathers (the men and only one girl – a mother 0 laugh. Most of the women are nicer). Do they ever stop to think that someone might be going the same to their child? Or do they say “i will teach him well. I will make him the one who laughs and not the one laughed at”.

I wonder what I’ve really learned, what lessons, since growing up. The really different things are, I think, about responsibility. I know, in my head, that it’s better to admit mistakes instead of covering them up and better to correct things immediately instead of waiting for them to correct themselves. Not that I always follow these guidelines… but more than i used to as a kid or teenager.

There are a few more things I’ve learned. Don’t change yourself to be like anyone, because you’ll just end up with friends you don’t like and who you will always have to act for. Be yourself and make friends with those who like you for yourself. But if you hear the same criticism from different places a few times – consider changing then. See if it’s a small change – maybe it’s a good idea to try it out.

I learned that weird people are not always the interesting people. Sometimes quiet people are more interesting when you get to know them and the outspoken, crazy types – sometimes they have real substance and sometimes they don’t. I take less risks today. There are so many things that can really ruin your life. You have to take some risks in life – travel a bit, do some sports, get your heart broken a few times, don;t be scared to talk to different people and possibly give birth (very dangerous for both life and lifestyle) – but bunjee? what for? I’m not even really into ski.

My mom said it’s a darvinistic procreational thing. When your children are grown and your menstrual cycle is gone, you suddenly feel like taking risks again, after all – the kids can take care of themselves by now.

Anything else? I’m not sure. That you will have to give up something in order to do something else. You can’t ever do it all, however well you plan. Something will always come up, some times will always be lost and even the little you plan won’t always work out. let it be. That money will almost always be a struggle, and that it does really count, almost for everyone. That doctors don’t always know, but more expensive doctors sometimes know more. That what everyone does is the statistically right thing – so it is most likely right for you, but not always. That there is no real way to answer the real question and that even if you find an amazing metaphor for them – it won’t make anything clearer.

That love is very important but it is possible to get some love from many directions. That good girls really shouldn’t have sex on the first date – not because the guys won’t respect them but so they don’t catch kundiloma. Ugh. That you may be talented in something and you may work hard, but it won’t work unless you have both the talent and the hard work, and that you won’t even know you are talented until after the hard work has already been done. SAT’s don’t really predict, and you may be wasting your time, But if you don’t do anything, you are wasting time for sure. This way – you at least have a chance and some things do work out after you invest some time and energy in them. Look at me. I got a driving license, I hold jobs for a long time, I’m writing for a living and I’m having sex. Who would’ve believed.

Well, I though i would finish this in 2 par graphs and go to a new subject but I’ve already learned that whenever I want to write about a lot of thing, i get stuck in the details of one. So now this entry sounds like a bad version of the speech song (BTW – not written by Kurt Vonnegut). Well, we have learned during the years that everything you say has been said before, usually better, and yet we read diaries instead of Sakespeare.