A new year

It’s the beginning of the (jewish) new year. We’ve just come home from the holiday dinner, where again I was surprised to find myself considered an adult and a natural part of the conversation. I wonder how long that will continue to fascinate me. I feel like taking the kids aside and saying "I know you feel kind of left out and shy, but that’s just because you’re a kid, not because somethings wrong with you. You’re not expected to participate yet". Especially the older shyer daughter of my cousin. The one who ran away and hid behind her mother when I tried to say hi to her…

This year has been…. Whew…. began with the tough decision to take on the new job at the paper and give up what i’d thought i’d wanted – to be a strategic planner at an ad agency. I think the decision was a very very good one. I can’t even imagine what would have happened had I decided differently. My job hasn’t been easy at all and stress has become my middle name (maybe my first) but i’ve gotten so many compliments and I really feel I’ve found my niche.

Of course the bigger story of this year was getting married. First the decision, between me and myself, that yes, I did want this. Then waiting for his proposal and getting it. Then the actual planning and executing of it. It was a rollercoaster. Wonderful most of the time. Weird, tiring and draining the rest of the time. I’m glad the wedding went well and that we still love each other, maybe even more than before.

Then in the middle there was the war. It really turned us upside down. My parents especially. My mom said today "I bought a book. This is a good developement. I haven’t been able to read fiction or watch TV since the war. Just the news. Everything else seemed irrelevant". You never know where these things catch people. I’m back to my normal mood now but there is a feeling of a dark cloud over us. When you look.

Other things included fighting and making up with Giraffe… getting closer again with Spaghetti and seeing her give birth and fall in love with her baby – after she was so sure she’d hate being a mother. She was so afraid of it.

Next year I want to…. 1. fisnish the (non fiction) book I’m writing with two co-authors about fantasies and what people use them for. 2. Live healthier and do a lot more exercise. 3. Look into buying a house, maybe even do that. 4. decide what i’m going to do career wise in the next 5 years.

I feel like my goal now in life is to learn how to live right – clean the house right, do all my errands and pay the bills on time, work well without overworking, go to all the doctors on time. stop having car accidents… do anything a grownup would do. If I pass these tests maybe I’ll feel ready to have a kid. It’s too soon now.

I feel all kinds of mixed emotions about being in this place in life. I feel a little boring. Too grown up, old even. I feel like this is the very last of the power and beauty of my youth. When I was 16 the main mission was having fun and living dangerously. Then it was learning, soaking in as much knowledge and facts. Then it was sex. The more and the more varied, the merrier. Then it was all about finding a guy, and getting settled in a job. Now it’s errands… not boring? I feel like i’m leaving the stage to do light while someone else comes to do their part. Maybe that’s how I’m supposed to feel.