Years Change But So Much Remains the Same

It’s been ages and so much has changed.  And with all the change I really feel like nothing has changed.  Sometimes the people change but the interactions are the same.  Sometimes the scenery changes but the day is just like many previous.  I go from having fantastic days to horrific days.  I can’t really keep my emotions in check.  And I HATE that.  All the things that I pride myself on have been non-existent lately.

I again was hit by a friend reality check when someone I basically told my life to turned around and said I was too difficult.  I openly and readily admit that I am very difficult.  I know this.  But he had always said that he would be there no matter what.  And now he’s like a totally different person.  It’s like Leigh all over again. 

I’ve been having a lot of health issues.  I’ve been to the doctor 5 times in 2 months, including an ER visit.  It’s nothing serious (i hope) but it’s affecting me TONS.  The ER visit was more because I couldn’t handle the pain and it was a Sunday so it was the only place to go.  On Friday the doctor took some bloodwork, so hopefully those results shed some light on what’s going on.

I miss my parents a lot.  I know that being the youngest of four made me close to my parents but mostly they’re just awesome people and two of my best friends.  They are so awesome at handling my personality.  With all my health problems and work stresses, it’s been really hard not having them there.  And my mom was diagnosed with cancer and is going through chemo so I know she really wants to be there for me, but she can’t be around sick people.  It’s so hard being miserably sick and not having anyone.  I sit in my apartment and freak out and cry and become paranoid about what can be wrong.

Just dealing with everything on my own is something I wasn’t prepared for.  And that’s where I get most mad at myself.  I hate when I get upset or frustrated or overwhelmed.  I’m supposed to handle anything.  But I am not handling things here at all. 

I try to rally myself and occasionally it happens.  But more often than not I’m left grasping at straws and questioning myself more at the end of the day than at the beginning.  In 3 months I’ll be 23 and ya know this isn’t really how I pictured my life at 23 when I was in high school.  And I certainly didn’t see my lack of emotional stability.  I guess I’ve just been really disappointed in myself.  I question everything about me lately. 

In due time, I hope.

*The title is basically after I compared my life in high school to now.  9 years and what has really changed?

~Dora