Everyone’s on the Make

I’ve been home all week.  My graduation party is tomorrow so I decided to take the week to get away from, well, everything at school.  I wish I felt comfortable enough to explain what happened that fateful Thursday.  I went for drinks with an old friend on Tuesday and he seemed horrified at how easily I explained what happened.  I assured him that I had to laugh about it or I would cry.  He was the first, and only, to ask if I would take legal action.  But I suppose this was because he didn’t know the whole story. 

I don’t know how well this week away is actually working.  I can’t really grasp any concrete feelings of resolution.  I have to come to terms with everything and get over it.  The breakup, the pyschotic aftermath, the other guy, and that Thursday night and its aftermath.  It seems an inpenetrable wall.  And yet other days I feel like I’m already over it.  But then I worry that it shouldn’t be that easy. 

It’s funny.  I used to live in self-pity.  I loved the ‘woe is me’ attitude.  I had nothing to pity myself for.  I was lonely and it helped to ease the pain.  And I think now that I have serious situations that call for a little self-pity I’m scared to feel bad for myself.

But, as I’ve been telling people, I have never really felt so in tune with myself.  This is a HUGE learning experience and I’m proud of myself so far.  Considering how long I let the ex manipulate me, his words (some of which I’ve shared here) would normally haunt me and force me into submission and guilt.  But, although it is a constant process of telling myself so, I know that it is only because he realizes he has lost control of me.  I am taking all of this and using it as a time to learn about who I really am.  Prove to myself I am as strong, brilliant, wonderful, and resilient as I wish myself to be. 

In the meantime, I’ve refused to let myself be tied down to this.  I have went out and had so much fun.  I will not let bad situations ruin my last chance for memories with people.  I think that some people assume it’s me not caring about the things that have been happening but they are wrong. 

Family will be here tomorrow.  There is nothing I love more than my family.  It’s funny my bond with my family.  I think the best part about my graduation was having ALL my siblings there.  I’ve mentioned in the past how I don’t get along with my brother.  He so impressed me graduation day.  Maybe we’re all growing up.  Maybe it’s not just me.

Back to school on Sunday and then the partying begins again.

~Dora