Lets see what I can come up with…

Everyone wants you to be real, but they get mad at you when you say what’s really on your mind.

"You can’t say that!"
"Why are you putting personal information out there?"
"You post too much!"
"Don’t you have anything better to do?"

Well actually, since you’re asking, I don’t.

I moved back to California, lost all my friends, lost my job, and lost my sanity. I have nothing better to do that put my thoughts and feelings on a social website in the hopes that someone out there will give me some sort of response and/or conversation since no one really Texts or Calls me unless then need something. Yes, needing your own companionship counts when you only contact me when you’re lonely. I get lonely too. Yes, I should be busy with my boyfriend and our kids…but you know what? I raised my boys to be individuals, not need my constant attention at every given moment. They do their own thing. Sure they talk to me a lot, but there’s only so much that a 4 and 8 year old can say to carry on a stimulating conversation. And I learned the hard way that in a relationship, you can’t always be wrapped up in your significant other’s doings.

The more time goes by I grow numb to the pain I feel about leaving my stable and successful life in Nebraska to return to a family and friends missed me so much. Yeah, I feel the gratitude for my costly return. Everyone is busy with their own lives, I should have just come back for a week’s vacation. I can’t really say I blame them. It sounds really selfish of me to say I want them to shut up, look at us, and give a f*ck.

I guess on the plus side, with every obstacle we’ve overcome, my tiny family unit is not only still together, we’re stronger. Me, Him, our two boys, two cats, a ferret, and three fish…all shoved into a tiny bedroom…but it’s not as bad as it sounds.

Actually, since little league has started, I feel more useful and excited about life. As the team mom for my son’s T-Ball team, I am actually pretty busy as well. The other mom’s try their best to make with friendly banter, but I’m mostly too busy chasing after 4-5 year old boys to stop and chat. I’m optimistic. 2013 is still young.

My biggest dilemma this year is that I can actually go back to school…but for the life of me I can’t decide what I want to do with myself! I started the whole Nursing Program deal in Nebraska, but the more I thought about it, I realized, I don’t think I can handle the emotion that goes into the job. Yes, it’s stupid to walk away from a program that is supposedly set to grow over the next ten years…but really, do you want a nurse attending you who is too fragile to look at a broken bone? I don’t know. I still need to think. I can’t do what I love because it doesn’t pay, it’s not a stable field, and I have two little futures to prepare for. Maybe, yes, maybe I should just go back to work. Find some quaint little desk job and work my way towards retirement.

Why can’t I write the next Trilogy Book Fad and live off of royalties?

People tell me not to give up, that I am destined for success. They say that they can see something in me. I wish I could see myself through their eyes. Actually, no…I wish I could hear their thoughts because what I am really thinking is that they’re just feeding me some bullsh*t and they really don’t mean what they say, they’re just saying it because they’re family and that’s what family is supposed to do. No, I don’t trust much anymore. Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Wow. I was worried at first that I wasn’t going to have much to write about, but here I am, spilling my thoughts onto my keyboard as they come in. I like keeping journals. Sometimes I go back and read them and think, hey, I kinda sound sorta like I know what I am saying here. Plus, my entries have come such a long way off of my pain and sorrow, tortured love entries on my LiveJournal. It’s so great, I have 99 problems and he’s only about 5 of them, and in any relationship you’ll find out, that loving someone is always gonna have it’s issues, but when that person makes you smile more than frown, laugh when you want to cry, and sticks by you through all your crazy, you don’t just quit when he gives you problems. Longevity is not for the weak.

I don’t have to be a wife I guess. Because really, being a wife in this day and age doesn’t guarantee you much of anything. Vows and hearts were meant to be broken…so I’ve witnessed.

You know, I was thinking about the N. Korea deal going on. I haven’t really paid much attention to it, but I was looking at my son warm up for his game and the thought crossed my mind: we could be doing anything, enjoying the beautiful day, watching tv, eating, arguing, crying…doesn’t matter, we could be doing anything, and in an instant, we could be wiped out. Not that I don’t believe that the US has an exemplary anti-nuclear missile defense protocol in play, but really, anything could happen and that could be it. Now, I’m not getting all YOLO on you or gonna tell you to live like you’re dying…but think about it. What do you want to be doing in your last moment?

We

get angry, sad, and depressed all over situations that other people put us in. It’s so silly though because you would think that humanity would catch on by now that people are less than undependable. We’re all imperfect little replicas of those who have gone before us and it’s not getting any better. I think the cure here is to at least TRY to give less control of yourself over to someone else. I know it’s hard, know it’s hard to remember sometimes…but you gotta keep your head up- Haha, just kidding. It’s moot, I know. As much as I know we’ll never be perfect I know we’re always gonna want to seek the love and acceptance of those around us…but, its maddening! Good grief God, you put the solution in my head but you forgot some extra strength anti-delusion, focus-fortifying endurance in my heart. People FAIL…

Well, seeing as how I have probably lost anyone and everyone’s attention at this point I think I am gonna wrap it up. I wanted my entries to be more theme-based but if you know anything about me you know that there’s much too much going on in my head for anything to be so boring as to cover one subject. Except maybe one of these days I’ll do what I’ve been longing to do for so long and write an all inclusive, unfiltered entry about my mother. There’s so much going on there that I want to get off my chest…it’s bound to be good. 

You don’t have to read this, by the way. I may share the link time to time but you don’t have to click on it. Oh, and things can and will get intense because since no one has time to hear me vent, I’m gonna do all my venting here! Think what you must. I’m gonna do what I do and you’re gonna think what you think regardless. 

-WalkingTheLine