I’m here

A year ago…that’s when things turned around. It was Easter Sunday and I had a huge fight with Donny that ended in me exploding and our relationship over…at least for a few days. It was also a new beginning for us. I finally sought the help I so desperately needed; counseling and medication. No longer was I in denial that this little spat of “depression” was gonna be easy to get over…I was/am messed up and it’s a long road to recovery for me. And it has been a rather long road. But, a good one. I have since gotten closer to God than I have in many years. And, I have gotten closer to Donny than I have in ever.

But the purpose of this message isn’t so sweet.

With the realization and acceptance of my disease, it’s finally occurred to me how broken I truly am. Even though I am on medication that makes it easier to cope with life, less dreary, and more energized, I am still so depressed and anxious. My PTSD may not be nearly the same as someone who’s survived a battlefield, but I’m still a survivor of a cluster of horrible experiences. Some days all I can do is sleep all day…until I HAVE to go to work or Donny forces me to get up. Most days I PRAY for an excuse to stay home from work or a social event that I said I would go to. My window to the outside world is Facebook, and that’s as far as most of my friendships go any more. So on top of the meds and therapy I am on, I STILL have issues that I have to face. My meds make me UGLY. Is it real? I don’t know but in my head I am UGLY now. I’m getting fatter by the day and acne and hairy and so so gross. And that in turn makes me even more depressed. Because of that, I get mad at myself for being so shallow towards myself and BAMM! Depressed even more. THEN, in an attempt to correct it all, I have stopped my medications, which have a terrible withdrawal period in which I am a confused, crying, mess. To make things even BETTER, my mess cannot be contained to just myself and I see myself smashing bridges I had finally been so happy to see built.

Tomorrow is March 17th.

A day later I see my Doc and hopefully we can get this whole mess sorted out!