Forgive, forget.

Hey Journal. It’s been a while. I’m in Nevada now. California didn’t work out, and we knew it wouldn’t, but we had to try…and what a trying 5 years it was. I’m glad its over. Since moving to Las Vegas, I’ve met some remarkable people, but one person in particular stands out. Like, I was meant to meet her; she’s an angel God placed in my path to answer questions I’ve been asking for so long. Recently, I opened up to her, and her advice was plain and simple; I have to let go of all the hurt and pain and love myself and my life for what it is. I’ve been mulling it over, and I know she’s right. I know God doesn’t want me hurting over what others have done, and most importantly, I’ve been blaming myself for it all. So, in true Desirae Fashion, I am writing it all out, in my old journal and sharing it with the world, because this is where my life begins…

First and foremost, My Mother.
I see all these kids getting abused and it reminds me of what I went through and how I know the system is fucked because despite every teacher from 6th grade on calling CPS on you, they left me in your care. I hated you and every thing you did to me, both physically and emotionally. I hated how you were supposed to be my safe haven…the one place and person I could always count on, and you failed so hard. You left me to face so much pain and suffering, and even when I told you things weren’t safe, you still made me go. You made me face a molester and live each day in fear of how he was going to touch me next. You made me disgusted in myself because I was glad when he died. Instead of building me up, you made sure I feared success and wouldn’t stray too far from you and the life you built for us. Somehow, I didn’t fall into your pattern. Despite some slips and slides in my life, I rose above the standard you set for us. It hurt me so much to lose you. Once I realized that I had matured past you and you were never going to be the support and love I needed, a part of me died inside. We should be having those mother-daughter dates. I should be bragging how my mommy made me dinner because I was feeling sick, I should have tons of pictures of you being a grandma to my kids…but it is what it is. You are damaged too, and unfortunately you never sought the help I did. Instead you accepted your life the way it was and blamed everyone else for it. I will not follow in your footsteps. I feel sorry that you couldn’t turn away from the drugs and chaos no matter how many chances you got. I am going to be strong enough to get through it because I love the child you created. And I still love you.

Arnold
I mentioned you in my mother’s paragraph. I think about you all the time when people talk about being molested as kids…because it reminds me of what you did to me. You were my Nana’s boyfriend, my mom’s nino…hey, now that I think about it, my aunt’s uncle. Our family was twisted into each other, wasn’t it? Anyways…I remember being your victim, and I remember running from you, wondering why Little Arnold wouldn’t help me, and telling my mom what you did. I remember having to go back to your house every day and hiding in the tub in the bathroom till I could go home again. I don’t know what caused you to be that way, I know your brother was killed because he was that way too, but I forgive you. You were a sick old man and you died suffering and I even felt sorry for you when I saw your sick body, mere skin and bones. I’m even sorry I said “good” when my mom told me you died. I really hope you gave your life to God like you claimed you did before you got sick and I hope he forgave you too.

Raymond
You fit in with Arnold and his brother, well because for one, you’re his brother’s kid, aren’t you? I’m done blaming you for what happened because I was older and should have known better. But I am also glad that your character shines through, even if some people still choose to ignore it. I forgive you for what you did. Even after for what your girlfriend tried to do, and what your sister and niece did since your girlfriend couldn’t. My nose is still broken, but I’m going to start looking at it as something I survived. I forgive you for your part, I forgive Melissa, Felicia, and even my brother Michael. I forgive all the people that still think you’re the best, because maybe to them you are. I hope that some day you realize that the sick way you live your life isn’t necessary. I pray that you find whatever is missing in your life that makes you do these things. I’m done hurting.

Ramon
Oh father, my father…I forgive you for what you did to me the first week I met you. I forgive you for the person you were after. I thank you for the help you gave me after I came home from my time of service. I’m sorry you felt that you had to be the person you were, I don’t understand it and never will and I accept that. I hope that you, in the after life, can feel my forgiveness and love and gratitude and know that you, despite your flaws and our head-butting, made me feel like the best singer, the cutest girl, and the best daughter in the world. I miss you.

Laura
I don’t know what happened or why. I only know that it was a pattern with you and your fear of whatever relationship we had was stronger than the love that you had for me or I you. I think of you often and miss having a cheerleader, but I hope you are doing well and I forgive you for breaking my heart.

These are my biggest hurdles I have been dealing with. I felt like I couldn’t forget them because it was just not fair that it happened to me and justice needed to be had for me to move one, etc…but you know what? It happened. I am alive, and there is so much potential for my life that I am wasting because I am constantly looking back at these people and living in fear and regret. I accept my part in every even, even if it wasn’t my fault directly, its over, and long done with, and it’s time for me to move on. With this entry, I give it all to God. I forgive all the people mentioned and let go of all the emotion and pain I was holding on to. Even that which I didn’t list. I’m so ready to move on with my life and make less room for pain and more room for blessings.

And thank you Carlissa for being such a blessing in my life.