Dear Mother

I started this entry spilling my guts about all the evils you are; reliving every horror you ever put me through. But I stopped and deleted it because I realize that you simply aren’t worth the grief. 

I spent too much time crying, wishing that you could be the kind of mom that any kid deserves. Spent too much time wanting you to be just the basic mother. Give me good advice, be someone I could trust. Every time I get my hopes up, you never fail to disappoint me. 

Even when I want to move on and just let you go and accept that you’re never gonna be what a mother should be, I can’t help but stop and think, "maybe this time…"

You know, I’ve been a mom myself for 8 years now. And for the past 8 years I stopped being Desirae, and started being Mommy. In every thing I do I ask, "how will this affect my kids"? I think about what they will think of me. I sacrifice CONSTANTLY…and it’s not at all hard. I enjoy it. I’m not the perfect mom, but I’m a mom. You never stopped being Joanna. 

As scared as I was to have kids (I didn’t want to be abusive and neglectful like you were) I am so glad they’re here. Without them, I would have never know what unconditional love is. And without them I would have believed your lies about motherhood. 

I’m asking God for strength to accept that you are who you are and you will never be what I need.

-DamagedGoods