TOTW7: What do I value?

The theme of the week #7 asks the question: which of your values do you value most?

This question caught my attention because I suppose when I was younger it was easier to know what I valued. Things seemed so much clearler, answers were more straight forward and the world seemed more set in stone. I’m 18 now, and everything feels so daunting and uncertain. Throw in being new at adulting, I’m also diagnosed with PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. The world feels so unsafe and uncertain in so many ways, and I guess the reason why I started journaling was to discover who I am again and take back control. I’ve been internalizing things for so long, and my therapist thinks I should confront those feelings more instead of keeping them hidden in the dark. I guess she’s right. If you asked me when I was 14, before it happened, I would’ve told you one of my biggest values was passion, to be able to feel freely and openly and not be ashamed about it. Ever since I could remember, I’ve been a highly sensitive and emotional person. I either feel everything or nothing at all, and I cry quite often. This was something I expressed when I was younger, but after it, I begun to do everything I could to numb my feelings. At first it was through alcohol, and then I picked up a nicotine habit (which later became an addiction that I’m still trying to kick 4 years later). Then it was pills and sex. I was so young, trying to grow up so fast that I feel like I never really got to appreciate being a child. At a young age, my innocence was taken away from me, so I suppose I wanted to associate myself with a different identity to cope so I didn’t have to feel ashamed. And now that I’m older, when I’m supposed to be acting like an adult, all I want to do is retreat into a child again, somewhere safe, familier. Everytime I’m reminded of it, it still somehow doesn’t feel real. I’ve only just begun to talk about it, so I’m just now processing it. Before it, I used to know what I wanted, what I valued, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be. After, I’ve just done everything up until now to cope and survive. I want to get in touch with myself again, so I suppose if I had to pick which value I value the most, it’s to feel and feel freely and passionately. I’d like to feel the same way as I once did when I didn’t know people could hurt you like that. When the world didn’t feel so harsh.