very dark

I feel at times extremely depressed. I am waking up at night in pain, I just had surgery,  I have very bad infection, I am not in pain all time, I am not waking up 30 times like prior to surgery, I have burning and uti, that seem not be going away aith antibotics, it just keep recurring, I am going have demand my new doctor do MRI so we can see if surgery maybe had nerve or my ureter out of line, reaction to botox..

I am besides myself stressed… I know I needed surgey way things were I couldn’t exist way it was, I can like this either….

I am dating no one, Mark disappeared probably seeing someone, I am still just very very hurt by what happen few months ago, I just will never measure up to him, he will always look down on me..

I am also feeling dark about Trump becoming president again the years he was president I was forced to be political. I might be democrat but when Bush was president, he was my president, i respected him, I never had to dig to far, no did I feel directedly hit… I felt like how Trump handled covid was horrible, making jokes, not bringing country together, my mom life was at risk.. I got sick.. I was so sick of way he talked, how he handled everything, how he hurt others with remarks on all races, sexes, religions.. just CEO can’t say shit he can say, however we accept it…

I just need learn at this point completely disconnect my attention and go into la la land, I just dont want be awake anymore.. I don’t want to connect with this reality, bad enough I am like SIM character in simulation that is broken, I remember once I had SIM character on my phone and she would not get off the toilet, I was like someone is mocking me, this is me… My bowel is doing great since surgery I have pain, minor, inflammation they removed lot endo from it, it all seem normal… My bladder on the other hand is horrible, is out this world horrible..

My vagina and bowel and bladder, all being effected by pevlis floor issues, I can’t have sex, my hormons work, my tightenness is out this world I dont have holes, sometimes it hard have bowelmoments because of this, they both work, bladder hole is so small, I pee and get up and down and up and down, cant empty, infections maybe from this…

I just need find an excape so that I can deal better with this new reality.