transformation

I went on what my health issues were my last entry and how I have changed, something that really drastically changed this time, it is very concerning yet liberating. Maybe I am going through menapause.. I have one ovary I know it still working I had cyst pop on it during hospital. I know when I am bleeding yet I am not bleedy I had everything removed, that really depressing I never realized how much I liked my periods, I didnt have painful once in years since going off gluten I never knew I had endo for that reason. I had bladder and stomach issues. My face, my hair my skin, I am aging big time, it big hit towards my confident, i have very little sex drive, I am Bi, I feel more of urge to be with woman, I am not lesbians, I am certain I am still attracted to me, I had sex with Mark before and after surgery and both times were horrible, this is a person I had amazing sex with in past, when in relationship years ago in love it was best.. last year it was ok, this year just horrible.. wasnt worth it.. I hope this isnt going to be this way all men, I am going have develop meaningful relationships to be able have sex, it just not anything for me without that. As for woman still attraction, woman tend to be emotional soft, caring, communication, I can connect with it, men like guy I dated Dan liar fake.. even great men like Mark just talk about sexual comments to me, not emotional available making me feel like meat. I appreciate my guy friends though, one who i met on here has text me about his struggles with woman I realize though his eyes maybe where I made mistakes random guys in past, maybe I am not direct enough, maybe I am putting up crap I shouldnt be.. I have few other guy friends who I just appreciate, conversations I am learning not have any expectations in making them anything who they are, which something I am not good at, I have made mistakes with in past, wanting help people but directing them outside their comfort zone.. Few guy friends I have I am sitting back, they all respectful so as long bad remarks not directed at me, I can go with flow. Sam message me giving me orders to talk to him, which I did say in time, I am not ready yet, I dont like be boss around, I dont appreciate direct attention towards me, where other guys talk about the ladies interested in, I appreciate that, I can flow with it.. I think big part of reason I am knock down my close friend hurt my feelings, she consisting pushing me to be more, to be better, one regards I know she has my best interest I am wrong way I am acting with her, I am mad at myself, one other regard I am upset with her, she stop talking to me for 2 weeks I was thankful but worried, we needed space. Last night we talked and I was very short in stating what was bothering me because I am not sure she understands. She keeps saying she understands this surgery, sometimes making references I am at fault endo, my diet, it just really high bar and unfair.. She doesnt understand her surgery was not as serious she will disagree, removing fibroid is serious but I have 5 different surgeries with organs taken out. She acts like I should be same. My mom on the otherhand, I told her I had zero sex drive no interest in dating, she said oh no… your going go thru menapause, she like that bad, your hormone are messed up.. I just feel disconnected when having sex with Mark, it was just lack of connection, I couldnt get off, my ovary was not connected to my vagina like in past I had urethus connected everything, everything felt great.. it didnt, I had pain past I would not mind, I learned like it, now it just wasnt worth it..

Bottom line I did this surgery I was in lot pain, I had no choice either now or later, degree of my disease no diet would get rid of that much endo…I would have lost a kidney.. Mentally having someone not support something you didnt want choose but forced too choose.. it hurtful.. I am tired being pushed, one regards I appreciate love her more you can imagine like an older sister, she supportive, caring, has very best intentions in the other case she just very very hard on me at times… this level perfection I cant measure too, I told her once past I appreciate it, she needs slow it down. I am almost happy this happening to me, I deserve it, I have pushed so many people in my life being at perfect level or ahead them, I have hurt people, I hurt Darren I was wrong, Mark made lot mistakes recently, in past I could have done better,  few other people I could done better, I am very self reflective lately, I keep looking at what I could have improved and what I could have done differently, where I have been, how I can learn be thankful with this issues, what my real goals are now, if I dont have sex drive to where it was maybe I should learn be loner, if I date girls more focused on clit, rather then my vagina I am not sure I want that type sex anymore without connection really doesnt work for me.. I dont feel clit energy I havent died there as much as well vagina is turned off.. It not good. I learned focus on my love something I used to love very much I am not in perfect health to exercise all time, I am going try push thru..

I need sit still, I want sit still, I want make sense what my next chapter is, I need find purpose…I am bit lost with that all at moment.. I am very depressed moments I made this giant surgery choice and was promised perfect health only be dealing still bladder issue, I feel love bombed my my doctor. I was mad at time until he gave me gapetin, which helped for nerve damage, but I cant stay on drugs.. I just cant… maybe supplement will help.. I have this giant fears and concerns for next year… mentally I am learning and at the place i dont let things bother me, I feel like I could have died few months ago, fact even my stepdad taking my health issues very very serious, I know my parents on my side, I dont understand why my friend keeps making it small… I am getting annoying maybe brining it up, why ask if I am dating anyone? Why does she not understand my body just got rip into pieces..  The old me is dead, I am not sure if I ever want to date again, I just want exercise and get fit, if I can get in shape, that would be so great.. I am going age, I cant do anything change but accept this.. I dont want get hurt back handed insulted comment, I dont know how this helps me, I know I deserve this though…self aware realizing I find myself wanting give advise to my guy friends, I step backwards…will this really help them, they need figure this out for themselves..

I am still trying to figure out things..I know I have been doing certain things not right too.. I couldnt seem to be happy for her with her trip, I was annoyed with myself, am I jealous? why am I acting this way? I kept researching it… my intuition not trusting she being real with me, last year she got involved new hobbie I was very happy for her, this, I just feel like on phone she was bragging and not being real with me…it just hurtful..maybe I am wrong in how I am seeing things, I very much do realize this..

I am also annoyed myself last year I got focus on myself and then I took it off of that, involved both my exes Dave and mark, I focused on boys rather then one thing that was driving me towards happiness.. I just want that back…

If I had any wish it would be to be very healthy so I can get what I really want.. get fit..