the past two guys i loved

I often think about this part in the movie when I think about Mark.  I think if we are soulmates it just not coming together, did I never fight for him? did he never fight for me? The truth is going back 2018 when the relationship started it came out of no where, almost immediately I felt a connection, I never act like the way I did with him with random guys. Not even Sal did I fall the way I did with Mark. I immediately saw up standing character the trait that was always missing with Sal, when Sal came back in my life I rubbed Mark in his face, I said this was person cared do things like give clothes to family in fire. I never cheated on Mark, nor was I ever going too. I did talk about Sal too much it has taken me years to realize why, it wasn’t because Mark wasn’t real relationship like random guys I dated, it was more I loved him but something was always missing. My mom even saw what was missing. To my stepdad, character is more important then words, Sal had lot words but lacked character and he disliked him, he liked Mark. Mark is funny, he is one of funniest guy I ever met, caring, he man of actions, he teases, he grounded, he understands people, he good heart, I am very attracted to him always have been, thou I know some my friends were not. I felt chemistry but communication was horrible, we talked, he is very verbal and outgoing, he try control situations, typical aries. He was loving and passionate in first relationship he said he loved me, made sex better then anything. He also spoiled me which wasn’t necessary but def made me feel love with food and stuff. He was man of actions of good deeds not just to me but to all. He fought all time, he wanted me shut up listen, him to take driver seat, which was unfair, I am not that type of girl, I have a voice, I want be heard. My previous relationship Sal, I did sit in driver seat for many many things, communication was softer less drama, I got lot validation from Sal, I also had lot of more security in living with him, cared for certain ways, Sal wore mask he was fake I didn’t realize that fully back then, what I did know my intuition loved Mark, never loved Sal.. I always knew deep my heart that Sal was devil, he tried tell me, when at moment 2020 I saw cheating pictures after he asked me marry him, I knew he was fake is passiveness was built on fakeness. Only reason I truly chased idea of him while being with Mark, wasn’t because I wasn’t invested in mark, I loved Mark soooo much, it was lacking validation, lacking goals of future. His focus was so far in complaining about what was in his prior life, he had hard life, he didn’t take account my parents, are future…he treated me like regular girl he cared about, not as woman who wanted future, when we spend time together he didn’t completely disgest my needs in that I wanted talk about us, future, rather it became a time he vent, so I would vent.. what else was there vent then my previous relationship. He recently said that made the connection from me to him look less then, if that was really the case why would I tell Sal all about Mark,  Sal made me feel wanted, needed, always come back say future, traveled… Mark didn’t do this… but if you ask me who is better quality man, it always was Mark.  I was in relationship for 2 years in sept 2019 mark and I were fighting lot, he was very unhappy with his life, I just couldnt understand why stay in situations.. he was annoyed with me, not understanding I wanted stronger connection. In hinesight, things I did wrong handle things immaturely not being direct, making remarks about other guys, I think maybe I was being passive aggressive, trying trigger him.. I somehow thought if I could go back in time be assertive, direct maybe things would be better if we had better communication all along, he is just stronger man to handle woman like me, where Sal never could completely listen or handle or take care of me way I needed to. I knew that when my mom got sick, Mark made me laugh was there for me first half relationship was very strong, I was very happy because I felt very loved. Sal love always felt fake, and years later I would see that..

Mark also made me insecure at times, not understand autism, backhanded comments how to talk to be this, to do this.. hurt my feelings, like I am not just shy, I dont understand how communicate you belittling it doesn’t make me feel good about me. I realized years later Sal felt same way I did about Mark about how I made him feel. truth is if he never cheated on me, I would have been wrong, seeing the truth, knowing all along, then my intuition was right…then well that ended it, maybe I held onto it all those years even when with mark because I felt loved by Sal with how he fought each time tell me memories, make me character of importance in his story, I felt I was bigger then life. It was never ever I saw Sal as bigger picture then Mark, maybe everyone else, the relationship was many years, i lived with him, it was serious, but it was very disconnected sex lacked passion and chemistry from beginning, where with Mark it never lacked that, it was amazing. Sex with Sal was great, he very attractive but he would do weirdest things he would hold his head sideway, grin his teeth, for years I thought he was closet gay, i tried bring girls in bed he got pissed at me. He wanted me take driver seat in bed, I didnt want that, I wanted someone like Mark who was strong, caring, good man outside, but assertive in bedroom, read my body better. It was horrible in relationship at times, year in he would fight with me over every little thing, trying take control, things I would just have control with others.. I didn’t understand why if you love me this is important, where I walk, how I walk, if I made comment about how danagerious drive yell at someone, I am controlling him. It was two very dominate good hearted people trying to take power. I always had power with Sal, silly things maybe not, but it was communicated or bullshit charism had me fooled.. I never felt in passive position, nor would I have be.. I think I wanted those years I never wanted Sal back when with Mark I was madly in love with Mark, I wanted Mark step forward, realize what he had fight for me, take future with me, he didn’t.  He just held resentment with me.. In hind sight I should said let me help you with his dad, do more be main help in his life, he wouldnt really let me, I wish I tried harder. Maybe say less about sal, more about what my needs were. He did mention about us living together once, it was more run a way from his problems, not bc of us, the connection..

What destroyed… 2019 Sal came back as friends, he got motorcycle accident on way met me, I thought let me be good girlfriend honest one so I told mark every detail thinking honesty was good thing but later I was told I was wrong being so honest, again I am autistic, extremely confused… so I should have just hid everything from person I loved, if I dated someone like Dave I never told him about Mark tried help me when I was seeing him, to me I never loved Dave, i just simply didnt care be honest. Where as with Mark, I did.. He and I just fought lot, I fought see Sal he asked me too be there, made me feel wanted… Mark just wasn’t I was so unhappy, I felt lack of.. unlike beginning of relationship. Rather then fight for me which is what I really wanted from both of them, I got Mark who broke up with me, Sal who placed me friend zone, thou he told me he loved me in hospital bed. Sal was just one of act with bullshit. I think and my mom thinks Sal always did love me, how hard he fought to be in my life, it was always with conditions I would love him in a way he would get validation, I saw Sal weak person, person I needed explain lot about basic things too I shouldnt have explain, I had expression on my face of confusion why is his confidence so little, he needs this. Mark didnt need that, Mark knows he has lot offer, he caring, does for other, has lot.. Mark walked talked more confidence, not always confidence, but he didn’t make room for me with that….he didn’t communicate to me what I was too him, how he felt, how we connect, what future was… no verbal connection on the love, i felt.. it hurt badly.

He cut me off as if I was nothing, I would text or call he seemed always so annoyed. What destroyed me completely Oct 2023 came back as friends I tried explain how I was wrong, he just acted like asshole, he was hot and cold, he kept making comments as if I was one of many girls he was inolved with I was nothing in his story, it hurt, he said he loved me back then was he also not real. My mom said she thinks Mark never did love me because never fought for connection, Lee said once, just opposite, action he would be there if something was wrong, he was good character is that he did and Sal never did.   Anyways going back to Mark he was mean, I tried really open up he said he would get back to me, just throwing Shavon this ex girl he was madly in love with, she was perfect, passive, sweet, she broke up with him…he broke up with every other girl including me… She was the girl that got away.. I was crushed, here I am coming back to fight for this connection, he once again wasn’t.. we went out to eat Jan 2024 or feb I cant remember he said he was willing go back in this as I was brining up all the past talking about bad things with the connection we had, maybe I should have led with good things.. he snapped he like I dont want be with you, I cried, at this point I held my heart in his hands only for him squeeze it to pieaces.. I walked to my car from outback, I cried he did nothing, he was completely emotional unavailable… he was asshole..

I called a friend, he said this guy doesnt give fuck about you, block him, I said no we have a past, he said no he doesnt care. I walked away, I told my stepdad once again what happen, usually like Dave… he hates guys they are dirt bags using me, with him he said weirdest thing, Mark is great guy, great person acting like this, at time Sal came back you didnt immediately choose him, you hurt him, so he going hurt you, it not right but he damaged from it. I didnt think this was true at first because made no sense why would he go on on on about how Shavon this perfect person I found her on fb i saw he commented on her losing her father.. She is pretty not perfect, I think he son is autistic. anyways.. sooo hurt I wasn’t anything to him.. He knew I blocked him wrote sorry letter. Deep apological sorry letter per email. I was so hurt I just wanted focus on me, I became hyper focused on myself, Dave fought to get back in my life.. mark never fought once for me, once he show up at my door like Sal or Dave and say I want you, I miss you, let try this…nothing..ever he just has it in his mind we not good, even know many ways we were good… Dave and Sal are selfish, italian morans… Mark isn’t,,=I am more selfish then Mark. Mark was in my life around that time I got sick ashtma attach I was seeing Dave, refused help me, Mark should up, when i needed surgery I broke up Dave, Mark was willing be there. I told Dave once mark is there, that important,he like you want someone caring, I was like no duh.

Few months I disappeared on Mark lot of pain, until Dave after fighting get back in my life started acting distant he went on long speech how what I do is wrong, how we are wrong, I realized maybe how i could been wrong, I was still very annoyed communication…mark communication sucks…I hear things from other people, I can only feel from mark or assume, maybe I have always been wrong, I said after months not talking i am going have surgery again might need help, just like that he willing to help… he could just be doing it bc he good person. we have sex.. at this point he nervous will not say anything or hear anything about us.. he just flips to anxiousness when I say anything, just play it cool it distant friendship least once week since before and after my surgery he text me ask how i feel or what going on… boring friendship.. My guy friends I have in my life, it not boring, I feel we are communicating very well, it real, it friendship that all that is there, no confusion, no mix messages, no sex.. no anything.. I hear about the girls, I dont mind bc we just friends. Mark want me be friend with sex..i cant do that, told him I am going get hurt, i have history with him this was more, it confusing, it just plain hurtful, he wasnt pressuring me for sex,at this point I dont want hang with him anymore… this is lacking communication hurting me so much..

That movie she didnt see him at first, she fell in love had family, she hurt herself not seeing connection they had, he was willing to go to hell to get her back, as he was in hell in the little house she was in, she saw he loved her, she woke up. he then was in hell, his brain was lost with not loving her naymore.. they kept missing eachother until they didn’t..   I just kept showing up, mark thinks I will not have other guys or dated many, i told him dated thousands, it true… they weren’t him.. He doesnt say anything make me think he ever cared nor would ever care at this point..it crushing, I am feeling like I am in hell, I am trying scream at him,I am ready walk away…I cant sit here. Tonight he text me, random stupid messages, I messaged back, i wanted to say that movie he want see I want to see let see it…what the point to hang out with my guy friend who refuses to step forward he so focus on how we dont connect, he doesnt communicate on how we can connect..It was always lacking communication, if he said I need control this because of this..it would worked.. he never expressed himself.. now I got sit backround, thinking is he fucking some other girl, loving some other girl. I told him I had rash, he said he only been with me and Shavon… I can take one look at her she not dirty girl, you can tell she upstanding person..  If he really want her why not fight for her either, why take such back step if you strong character..

I told Sal stay out of my life bck 2020.. Sal came back asked me one thing he could do to be friends, I would say get Mark back for me… Tell him what I told him on that night in rained in his home GA, when he said he didnt love sal but loved way she made him feel, I thought I love way you make me feel, you want me do the same so this connection is based on lies.. I said Mark is guy who says what he means, does what he mean, is up standing character, why can;t you just be confident not want that from me… the communication was better with Sal but he was retarted the way he expected and explained things.. just simply retarted and far far younger then me with my wisdom.. Where as Mark years older then me, he just such grown up because all the trauma he experienced.. stronger man who could handle my dark future, things I will go, a man I could see better future with, he stronger person, I hate hate way he tries communicate stupid shut never speaks feelings, expresses anything real, never says his needs…lack of communication, just telling me not be a person unfair..  I just feel underneath that person layer himself, if someone who actual did care, if he fought for us, it could lead to something special rather… as it is now..slowly dying… retarted friendship… when I start dating again move on, I cant talk my ex I had feeling for, he acting like this would be ok, normal,, healthy, it isnt…

I just wanted add lot what made Sal great to me was his passiveness…now I can’t stand passiveness.. i think it gateway to bad relationship, bad anything, why because Sal was fake as shit to me, fake people lie, fake people, cheat.. so yea mark and i fought but it was honest, real. Shavon, girls who are passive cheat and are fake, why mark said that never happen, it would because if she never ever expressed herself she would be living a fake life.

If things were never real on what I was saying how about this… everytime I date someone even if I like them like michael, mike, ryan, they show themselves be passive, I am out, I lose ineterest bc anything like sal is gross to me. If i see them be like Mark, like Dave, Dave very much like mark personality was direct, honest, negative, forward, aka not funny which sucked, i love mark humor.  He was well I thought he was good chacter turns out he wasn’t, he was asshole, I had feeling for him but never loved him. I picked someone similar nature.. so it was Mark gave up on me, otherwise I wouldn’t open my door, my life, be honest, done all i I did… it was me … he gave up on this connection he thinks by staying on outside he there but he isnt