space

My ex bf sister died, my favorite sister of his…I have a friend grew up in the town he grew up in..she said one of the sisters and I looked it up, she was like 56, this woman was super healthy, skinny, ate all right foods, exercised..she had worse case anxiety i ever seen.. he often said I reminded him of her.. I wonder about denise in her last years of living, this woman was so good to me, cooked me gf free good, she such great person. I think about her daughter olivia, she young in her 20’s lost her mom, she was close like I am to mine.. I can’t imagine.. she moved to florida.. I personal feel if you never had close relationship to a parent, your lucky in sense the fear of lost is less there… i fear ever moment, worse anxiety, darkest times of my life are to come in that moment..my plan is to move… I am just leaving… if I have nothing attach myself too. I am only in the state I am at bc I am 2 hours from my mom, she not here, I know where I am going, I know exactly where I want be…I cant move across the country, I can’t break her heart… Life is not about making choices just to do. when your given a gift you value it, I am lucky to have her, will not walk, I dont need her for anything I am independent.. it just I know she needs me here.. I don’t know how so many people I know in the backround have been dying, the guy who would been my uncle died my cousins got hit hard by that, my neighboor where I grew up died, she was young, and her daughter also named same, she not close same way. The other olivia looked up to her mom she was a saint, sure was pure perfect… the other mom not so much, sure it wasnt easy but not the same…losing my stepdad will be very very hard he is my father, it will change me, it will not crush me, we dont get along, lately we getting along, it just not great relationship, it will crush my mom.. oh they saw a dead body recently another neighboor drop dead and fell in the water.. things change, people, life… earth, world.. times..

I was suppose to have my religion… I cracked.. I ran back to old thing I loved..it is not the same, I still feel passion but it never fixed anxiety. Running always very important still something I want, never as important as Buddhism.. I can’t believe she died… I think my other ex Mark often tried explain how death has jaded his life, I never really judged that bc I have history of much smaller scale of grief detroying me.. Sal cheated on me, i actual said to myself do you remember 10th grade it was October 15th and everyone talking about how rich your ex of that summer killed himself, the guy trying get you talk, guy who was nice, soft, listened, you thought you helped… he killed himself, i was seeing antoher rich who I caught that same day kissing another girl.. on the day I lost my ex, which next months would be like Clay from 13 reasons why, rather wondering why hanna did it, I knew all stories about Rich, we talked every night for hours…hours, months.. I yelled at room people shut up they kept saying divorce was reason he did it. Amanda his sister was in my grade, he told me he would never hurt himself he couldnt be without her. I actually thought maybe his stepdad killed him.. He would talk about most crazy stories, how much he wanted live with his dad, he couldnt leave her…dark skeletons in her backround.. when I ran track, i saw her wearing the necklace of mine..i ran so fucking fast, i ran out this world, i kicked guys asses, the pain, that movie 1 mile to you… stories in my past..yea my adult life is easy…i know this isn’t easy but man… guilt and pain, pain was something hurt so bad…

Certain things make you, i guess I wouldnt be me hard as stone on surface, even during my 30’s soft times I never was soft, my exes would get annoyed about how hard on surface I was… I am not sure how far back it went…maybe going back to my youth.. i am not sure my stepdad knew i was rapped, recently my mom took my dark past threw it up right in his face, sense then he been nice, it wasn’t his fault, he warned me of the idiot who did it..The guy who swung at me while pregnant losing the baby i never would carried bc I kept having miscarriage scares to the moment well.. now i find out well that was bc I had what I had.. pieces to jigsaw now all make sense.

In reality I am starting to see every bad experience in my entire life, even one right now i can’t digest will be worth it bc in my end years i can learn help others as I did with cheryl in college when she got raped, i coach her.. my health issues will make sense someday in far future for now I am stuck in hell.  Ah it not that bad of hell, it not cancer, it just i go bathroom all time.. I am in spasm and some pain.. not as bad before surgery this def not perfect health…

I wonder if Rich never died, if maybe I would have had happy ending, had person… even mark and sal that to me I am starting to see never real. I loved Mark but I dont think he ever loved me, neither does my mom. His actions during my surgery being there, calling me say he cares, but I think he cares in looking at me like retarted idiot he feels bad for, not as someone he was ever involved with… I never really experienced someone actual gave a shit, no one fought for me, way Sal fought was to do so only backstab me every single time, validate you so you can cheat on me… fakest person alive… he is lucifer, he is evil… he went out of his way every time hurt me.

Talk about hurt, no one on this earth, i mean no one hurt me as much as drea. I did some bad moves, I totally see my flaws then and now.. in 2007 I think it was she went online wrote only pretty stupid girls can make it ahead get to be model in nyc… oh diary the entire friendship was based on lie..that hurt, we both said mean things, i could have forgiven her, how was i turn back on someone who always saw me as fuck up… every sense.. maybe she thought bc i kissed guy who had gf, i wouldn’t respect her relationship, I am loyal I would have never ever ever backstab her even after she hurt me.. that by far was hard i never saw it coming… Sal hurt me, knew on certain level my intuition he was a fool. Last year when Mark hurt me, it felt almost as bad as drea, i truly always looked up to him, despite all fights, i believed in him, it crushed me.. I let him back in my life now communication just sucks, not like he really talks, we have dumb surface conversations..

I hope my current best friend, things weird between us, i just dont want knife in my back..my mom says her personality would never be close to her, she likes her as a person, respect her, see her as very mature…she hated drea, she said she was mentally ill and had bad confidence far worse then me. I didnt see that.  I got nervous about betrayal she said that not going happen, your dealing with grown up.. way she had her life, not same person..we distant eachother out, i will never ever hurt her, nor did i ever intentional hurt anyone i was close too. haha

I do think I am going create wall bubble myself out from everyone lives from distance.. I just need space…