new life ahead

Being this sick and realizing how dangerous sick I was has made me a different person. I am going to walk out of this very different. I am feeling the badass but not all in full character yet. I am very dangerously having the I dont care attuite.  I still care about the things I should care about my family, my home, my landlord, my job, I am moody with my best friend I still care about her, friends… it weird thou I am really seeing who was actual my friend and who wasn’t and who is my friend but I feel conflictions with. I have lot to say about Mark, he didn’t actual do anything wrong, all his actions and lack of words hurts my feelings. He randomly text me to see how I am feeling, he honestly has no motive to hurt me, I hurt myself by sleeping with him. The last few times we had sex it was horrible, it not same as it was years ago, it doesnt have that same amazing to it, with I love you…there is no love in his heart for me, was there ever actual love, at same time his actions so kind helping me every time I ask for help, checking in on me. My stepdad said he not one these loser guys treat you like shit, Mark is good guy who acted like jerk bc he was hurt over what you did years ago.. I told Mark he said Lee knows me well. I still don’t understand how Mark cant understand I am autistic it doesn’t excuse my bad behavior in the past, I never had bad intentions, did he? maybe not, but he hurt me, he apologized, it was a real sorry, unlike dave or loser lee hates.. I cant spark anything with Mark he will not communicate when I gave hints he just hurt my feelings making me feel less then.. time time time, my heart now is just not in this anymore. I want be someone who wants to be with me, actual not only shows up, but fights for me, not only kind caring with actions but really wants me, accepts me, mark made some kind of backhanded comment about how i was shy weird with his friends, then later said oh autistic people, not remembering I am and digesting me, I have come so far, just his meaturements of what and where I should be…It bother my mom, I dont think my mom fully likes Mark, she likes who he is as person but she doesnt like that we fought so much, he didnt communicate with me passive tone like Sal did..  Lee saw it as more honest and real, hated Sal.  I just feel like shuddle remarks teesing backhanded comments is just bad gaslighing as doctors, I feel so kick down it hurts so bad I can’t hardly stand up…

Then I go on this pill and everything is changing for the better this week, I am getting up, I am feeling great, I am sleeping, I am like my entire life I cared to do the right thing, I cared to be good person, I cared to understand people, to be good, to be..right..fuck it… fuck you, fuck this shit, you dont think I am good enough, sit down.. fuck you I will show you.. be prepared if I can get my health together I will fuck up my enemies

As much I am hating doctors that didn’t diagnose me, so many girls get misdiagnose, so many worse stories then mine, cancer etc.. so I am angry I should be, I am not sitting in anger I am trying understand lot doctors.I am messaging them, like hello you made mistakes.. I dont have that raging anger… It did hurt my life, when I look at what happen to me in HS it was so much worse, it fucked me up to no end.. I have scars miles long from my teen years…make me hard as stone, I might appear soft my mom once said that, she like on outside your so soft you look weak but inside your very strong, your cuz is the opposite. I am not mouthy I am sweet, but I am strong because I am figher.

I look back what I went thru and it was worse I dont see many stories like mine, I dont see degree of lack of compassion, understanding, why didnt she talk? why was she grieving, being told she cant cry over his death, was she raped, what did he do in the woods? why is she nerves, why she withdrawn? so much in such small period of time, I keep saying why did no one ask why? I remember this kid in middle school said she smart but she not talking she knows the answers.. I was autistic, they kept saying I was dumb, I did have struggles, far more with my communication. What my years were in college is what my HS experience should have been, encouragement..

Justice is what this life is…I am in one battle after another, I am only warrior because of what my youth did to me, demons of yesterday haunt me, my youth far out passes me adult life… doctors almost killed me, so what, they fucked up I am made of course… betrayal is something I have faced way to many times as human.. it something I am prepared for.. when I am not, like Sam, I shut off. I block, disappear without revenge. I thought highly of this person. If your loyal good to me, you will always have access to me, if you betray me…good luck… walls walls.. sometimes like my best friend who did nothing wrong per say, I just doors because I was hurting so bad I couldn’t… I am coming around now..

I just think I am underestimated with the degree of anger I have towards everything I want to rise…I want to fight I want to run everyday I want be be so fit, so healthy, I want focus on my goals… fuck partner, if i meet someone great, I am focus on this new life… Be passive he said, you need be like my ex passive- fuck that shit, I am honest assertive, I am suppose to be fake passive sit there knod my head pretend to digest everything and break up with u that not honest, passive = fake… you keep dating fake girls ending up in a hell.. they will cheat they will do dirty tricks..Boys best girls are assertive.. I was passive aggresstive, which isnt good. I am honest with myself now more out to communicate with someone, if they cant handle that, well they cant handle real… I dont want be fake with myself or anyone else. I dont want be told shut up, I dont want someone who cant speak their needs, I need someone who loud who they are.. passive, my whole life didn’t prepare me be passive, with tony i was passive as kid he swung as me and I lost my baby.. haha passive is not something a woman truly does, many a girl who end up in bad situation, woman only pretend to be passive as way toy with a man. I am not toying with any man, I am too true to myself to be fake someone else, I want be more confident, I dont want no bitch…

I am not sure how confront him, what I do know he has been good friend, I am going just keep busy..very busy… super focus on my new life..