mysterious fascination

There was many diaries I have read since I open my first OD back in 2004. There was one diary that stood out, I just was in deep thought with in my personal life and it carried around with me. I remember when dating Sal years after having OD, in 2012-2015, I wonder if he was the guy, or if someone else I dated was him or would date… It is not like the OD person was that of romantic nature, rather he wrote very dark writings. His grammar is excellent, his writing skills supersede anyone I ever written. He would write these entries like twight light zone, very dark and mysterious. Based on what he was writing, I assumed he was much older then I, he seem wised beyond his years but I remember the beginning entries he had some very dark stories. It just sat in my head, how someone out there exist and thinks like this. His name anticlimatic. My adhd learning autistic brain can’t put words together that deeply but my brain is deep thinker it reflects more in my paintings, I use to be deeper thinker though before my seizures in 2009 but my grammar has always been bad. I wrote diaries more regular bases 2006-2009. Then when I really focused on his entries. In recent years I didn’t have diary until recently, I deleted my many old diaries. The way someone can say something and look at something so deeply when people generally so superficial, I found this beyond interesting. I suppose if he or she was a book, I strongly assume he, would be rustic but deeply mysterious with spirals or maze on the cover.  My book cover would be something beyond simple with light covers but small imprints of Sanskrit or pali to confuse the reader into thinking this going to be simple yet beyond my simple lack of abilities I have study buddhism for many years, lately my ego as ruin my abilities. I am not sure if it my ADD or dyslexia it is hard for me to have attention span to deeply read things. I always remembered reading that diary. Something beyond interesting, where lot of us vent, I vent about troubles, in my eyes I read something more put together in a stories of riddles. I wondered if a man could have the ability to have emotional deep compass. I have made two friends on here whom I taken to personal life both express themselves amazingly good guy friends. I have met two girls years ago lived far but I cherish wish I kept the friendships. Something skilled about having ability to express yourself.  Something real in my eyes about a person who can say something.

We all have a deep mystery of emotions and expressions… in word of so many faces and stories…so many people feel so fake to me… even people close to me… even people I love, maybe nerotypical behavior.. I am extremely nerodiverent.   My emotions go very far deep, like the ocean… I sometimes get mixed up in my emotions because there is so many I dont know if the tide is coming in or out.. I dont have any mental disorder other then history severe anxiety. Thou some would differ to say elsewise.    Ability to express yourself and be open can be taken out of content. I have been destroyed for my words… misunderstood, shamed.. perhaps in my ego in my words..

Truth when I remember reading my favorite OD, nothing in his riddles were that of ego. anything but. I would imagine he or she was so many people, anyone that in my personal life I was in face of who showed dark mysterious way of thinking, I would think is this that person, maybe that person.

I will never be a great writer, I was never a great writer, even before my seizure..I started painting after my seizure.. My paintings arent that bad, not great but better then my writing. I use to love despite not being good at it..    I can’t put words together as much as I can put my emotions and thoughts together but even when they are together they fight like the ocean waves..  trying to make sense of what  I see…never making sense of anything..

I have been feeling this deep void lately of anything real. Knowing what is come, know how bad everything going to get, knowing all changes…my ability to see the future had went away but it coming back, my worst fears…everything bad is coming. I know this year going to be bad. I wish I could see the glass half full… I feel it in my dreams, I see it, it is not my anxiety, I just know… it why I am panicked..it not because of a boy or even my health issues.. it because everything that I have grounded myself in going to be lifted up and I am going hit the ground… I practice for years my spirituality to keep strong, it has helped me so many bad situations, I dunno if I am this prepared in what I see..  Maybe I get murdered…last night I had a dream my mother was holding me saying she loves me, only one this world that ever did, my existence was everything to her, I felt the same, very purpose of my life was to have a mother who by far was my best friend my rock, I am lucky beyond words.. that being taken away would leave me no purpose.

I watched this video above after 2009 my seizures…at time I felt so distant from where I was because I had very bad seizure with pretty bad memory lost. After taking a pill which could have been more of the problem then the help… long story..  I just realized in watching this that time was so dark, so difficult yet I got thru it, 2010 I figured out I had celiec disease and bang I got control. I am not sure if endometrosis I can get control my health, hormone, surgeries I have had.. I have say this is life changing similar to that.. I will never ever be the same after my last surgery. My other surgeries not that serious, 4 hour surgery, not only removing everything but surgery on my organs I have nerve damage, I am beyond stressed I am dealing with health issues when this was suppose to be behind me, I am mad, annoyed…I cant get hold of my doctor, this is not normal, something is not write… I wonder if something could be really wrong, we just pretending, just like last year my ureter had stage 4 kinked…I was peeing 30 times doctors just walked me out the room, even know my kidney levels were off, I could have lost a kidney, this year I was only few days from my appenix bursting.. I was still standing… I feel like my bladder and intestine are touching…  CAT scan not showing this. Maybe doctors are just stupid.  I cant wait until AI takes over.. maybe I will not have wait 20 years being misdiagnosed IC bladder disorder when I actual had endo on my cult da sack was causing tremors…in pain peeing everything single night, I did this last surgery bc I thought doctor was actual telling me the truth, he going to make 1 million dollars off my surgery meanwhile I am still peeing myself. I want to die…this is unfair. I can’t do anything, but deal. The gapentin med he gave me did help but it wacked me out, I went off of it, I am trying supplements tonight.