misunderstood.

My previous entry is more in detail of many other stories about my past I needed to mention. There is one thing I am starting to learn is at the core is this idea I am very different. Sense of not being understood, for every word I use it get taken out of perceptive. I feel extremely misunderstood. I feel a very dark whole for this, attachment to my mother because she seems to be only one can wholehearted love me, accept me. I am starting think my best friend are having issues, but there is no fights, just space, I needed space… friction between us.. I just dont feel accepted. Partly  more so by Mark, I am starting realize though I truly loved him and his actions are good, his words have hurt me. A friend recently said I remind him of Audry Plaza I took as compliment, she sexy dark myserious corky cute funny, she seems autistic, she deep thinker but free spirit, I am too square to be free spirit. I told Mark what do you think of her, he said she hot but I cant stand her personality. It hurt, he has this deep attachment to this idea of norm, focus on how people should be, such focus outside his own ADD, that he could never ever appreciate my autism. Only thing about him I critic was his negativeness because it felt like it was reflection of me, perhaps if I was tara his dream girl he would be happy rather then sad about his past. It was not direct hit on who he was. Where I feel less attachment on mark thou part me still loves him because he reject the very essence of who I am, I am different, I dont want go back to place where like HS I was trying be perfect person which I can’t be, I learned like myself in my adult life, learning to like myself, accept my autism.. While I am corky that makes me funny, my guy friends appreciate that, accept that from me, the man I loved does not, he will laugh with me, we will click with the jokes bouncing off eachother, but he doesn’t fully digest me, he wonder why it was so easy for Sal back then come up in topic or for me consider, while he was less then a man, while I was the one looked down on Sal…he did not look down on me, he accepted my autism, he once told me is very cute, he really into dark shy girls, his previous ex I am pretty certain she was autistic, even his wife he married she drug addict I am pretty sure she got some mental issues.. Mark want this perfect ideal dream girl, I am furtherest thing from I am starting to see. for many years I thought maybe I was one that made him feel less then, by way I acted back then, immaturity and lack communication, only now I am in his face he doing nothing I realize he never ever took me serious from day one…never had idea to commit..

Going back to feeling like I am misunderstood, I feel when I write or say anything on social media it get taken out of context… It my biggest fear get too much attention because my words and I am so misunderstood… I write in content of myself if I write outside myself I get judged. How I write, what I say, I get lot of attention, at times I delete my social media the attention usually very bad.. it just goes wrong..

This is just the way it is… I am meant to be misunderstood…I need distance myself from those can’t digest me.

I think it hurts knowing i loved someone who possible never loved me…

as for my best friend I still love her, I think truly feel she still cares about me, loves me.. we just need space from eachother.. we both including myself can be wrong at times, maybe space help the friendship.

I dont feel the same for Mark, I appreciate all good he has done, how there is for me when I need help, I feel let down where it suppose to mean something…i want a man with words…a man has deep words to share.. Mark said he has no emotions. My stepdad thinks that not true he just on defense. I just dont understand this pain anymore… I dont get it…