Liar

I guess I’ll write something again .. I guess if only to have a fresh prospective on this .

is my eating disorder currently an issue ..

no, I say .. as I am well aware that all I’ve ate today is oatmeal and it’s 4:oo and that for the past almost 2 weeks I’ve been tracking and been eating and average of 600 calories ..

but my weight is back up .. its in a low healthy range .. and my dr knows that even that number I’m not ok with .. i still want it lower .. lower then what is considered healthy .. but not scary ..

am I in control of this , I believe so …

Because last year , even last summer .. I’d want it to get out of control .. I’d want the weight to just keep dropping ..

I’d think 600 calories a day was a insanely large amount .. I’d think the weight I am not was an insanely large amount ..

so that’s where I’m at ..

how did I get here .. I hate to say ‘it all started when my parents moved back to Florida ‘ butttt it’s the truth ( it wasn’t JUST that ) , I slowly started relapsing and I keep thinking this hasn’t been going on that long .. but it’s been over two years now …

but like I said , I’m not unhealthy right now ..  although ..I’m only using a number to judge that ..

I also know I have no ambition to eat anything else today.

It’s confusing , cause right now , mentally I’m doing … OK ..

so I don’t know why this tiny part of my brain is saying .. just keep this going ..

I’m even aware enough to admit its not about control , cause I’m not controlling it ..

anyways .. idk , I guess the truth is the less space I take up .. the easier is to go through the world unnoticed ..