Maybe It’s Me
Dearest Sima,
Am I delusional? Maybe don’t answer that.
I consulted with the new doctor to discuss my lab work. I chose this medical practice because of its specialties, but I am not convinced yet that it’s the right place for me. I shared my concerns during our initial appointment that the root issue of my challenges is never taken seriously. What have I heard for all these years? Lose weight.
Brilliant! Why don’t I do that? Diet. Diet. Diet. Surgery. Diet. Diet. Diet. I am an expert on weight loss. I can tell you all about calorie deficits, micros, the importance of protein, and how many calories are in a Grande Pumpkin Creme Cold Brew. Something is happening on a deeper level. I want someone to take me seriously and help me discover what that “something” is!
I did what she asked, Sima. I tracked everything I ate/drank for two weeks. I presented my printed Excel worksheet (yes, I know…) with the complete list, including daily and weekly calorie totals. Instead of looking at those numbers, she looked at the first item on the worksheet and commented that there may be a better choice than the biscuit with gravy I listed. Seriously? Her preconceived judgment is stepping over her ability to see what is there. My total weekly calorie intake does not support the idea that I should maintain my current weight (or gain). By all means, let’s focus on one damn biscuit with a couple tablespoons of gravy. I’m sure that is precisely the issue! How idiotic of me.
When I expressed concern over a painful spot on my leg, she told me to stand up once an hour and buy thicker pants. Excuse me? You can see that I am struggling with mobility issues. That’s why I am there! I want to improve my life and regain my mobility. But of course, let me stand up once an hour. I’m sure that will fix everything, and the painful spot on my leg will magically vanish.
I was going to wait until our next visit, but I decided to write her a note so I don’t get sidetracked and lose critical points. I want to give her a chance, but I refuse to go back to not advocating for myself when it comes to my health. That’s part of what got me to this place—a lifetime of not asking questions and trusting medical professionals. I know you understand because you struggled with getting decent care. I am open to your thoughts on the matter.
Am I delusional? Feel free to answer.
Always, Greta
I think it’s important that a healthcare professional approach things like this with humility and an open mind. We don’t know even the tip of the iceberg regarding how our body functions in regard to nutrition and the vast array of hormones further complicates such matters. We’ve had countless “facts” regarding nutrition proven wrong in such a short period of time that it no longer seems wise to close our minds to other possibilities.
I’ve also struggled with my weight my entire life, so I feel like I have a better grasp on the frustration and confusion that accompanies trying to be of a healthy size. Sometimes people with better genetics or a better metabolism just can’t relate and that’s just how it is.
The only two things that I have tried and found to be effective for me have been somatic exercises and intuitive eating.
Sometimes our bodies (exacerbated by our habits) keep us with extra weight as a comfort or safety measure against our emotional pain… Kind of like an insulation of sorts. I’ve been spending the past year working hard to break down these habits born from my own trauma and survival instincts and the weight just began to slip off without me altering my diet or physical activity any further- it was mind-blowing. I had extensive damage to my solar plexus, so I tend to be apple shaped to create a protective barrier there.
Intuitive eating, I just… eat what I want… I know that sounds incredibly vague and unhelpful but just one day I said, “screw it”. I started to eat what tasted good and made me feel good, if it wasn’t serving me- I tossed it.
In the beginning I ate ALOT of desserts and bread and it was glorious. Now though, because it’s not taboo or a forbidden food, I don’t even want it- it’s lost its allure. If I’m not hungry, I don’t eat even if I’m ‘supposed to’ (ex. it’s breakfast time). If I’m full after a few bites or halfway through my meal, I stop eating. I quickly began to prefer and opt for unprocessed foods over the junk food because my body ran so much more efficiently, and the energy enhanced my performance at work and at the gym. I let my body choose instead of my mind. It took me about 5 years to perfect that though. Since then, I’ve successfully lost 20# and it’s still slipping off slowly but surely. I don’t think calorie counting is the way to go, at least not for me. It just created stress and made me feel deprived.
I haven’t a clue what they’re talking about with thicker pants, we may never understand that one lol!
@jubaliee Thank you for taking the time to consider what I’m dealing with and respond. Hearing about your experiences is helpful. What are things you wish you knew when you started intuitive eating?
@dearestsima Awe thanks, sometimes it’s hard to not be tone deaf on these posts, I was trying hard not to come off that way.
I wish I knew that it can be scary in some ways, feeling like you’re totally losing control. It’s hard to trust the process and know that you won’t gain like 30# and you will eventually reach an equilibrium. I also wish I had known how liberating it is to eat only when my body wants it and not have to make myself worry about planning and preparing a breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks like I was trained to do in my nutrition courses. The biggest learning curve I had was that by satisfying my cravings instead of denying myself or trying to choose a ‘healthy option’, it was such a valuable shortcut to realizing that snicker bars and Doritos etc. just… don’t taste as great as I was imagining lol. So far, my greatest disappointment has been Lunchables LOL – they looked sooo good as a kid but as an adult they’re gross.
@jubaliee, I appreciate you sharing those things with me! You have piqued my interest, so I’ve ordered the Intuitive Eating book and workbook.
@dearestsima I’m so glad to hear it! It was probably the most influential continuing education I did. It’s a stark change from the old school nutrition where it was based more on calorie counting and portion sizes and restrictions, blah blah blah. I read the one that was written by Tribole & Resch. Hope you enjoy it!
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Weight loss is such an enormous problem and such a struggle. The trouble is you start obsessing about what to eat, when to eat. I gave it up in the end and started 16 hour fasting, It worked for me. I am still not fantastically slim, but much better than I was. Keep being strong.
@leonalia So true! I’ve heard many people have success with fasting. Was it difficult to begin?
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Boy, can I relate to this. I used to joke that I could walk into the Drs office with a knife sticking out of my stomach, and they would say you will feel so much better if you lose weight.
@spinster Exactly!
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