Number One

I never know where to start a diary at.  I never know how far back to go.  Or not to go.  Do I tell everybody about breaking my wrist at age 12, go back just a few months, or start at the events from today and just go on from here. 

But, since so much has gone on in my life the past year, I think I will do a breif overview from there, and then just take up whereever lif leaves us.  Its not as if many people will actually read this, but just in case, and really more for my own overview.  After all, I do love to talk.  I think thats why I love this website so much, I can ramble on as much as my heart desires, and nobody can tell me to shut up.  No body interups, or bickers with me.  God I love my husband, I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, and he loves me too.  But the man loves to argue.  Not just with me, with everybody.  It doesnt matter what about, with whom he’s speaking, I dont even think he realizes he’s doing it half the time.  As I just proved, I can also switch subjects very suddenly, and that has a tendancy to get on peoples nerves. 

So to start.  This last year has been filled with many heartbreaks, and much joy all at the same time.  Our first child, Abigail Phoenix was born to us on July 6th of this year.  She was an event much anticiapted, and very welcomed.  I know I’m young, but I have a gynological problem, several of them in fact, and we werenot sure that children would even be possible.  My doctor, whom is a specialist in that area, said that if we wanted children, now would be the time to have them, as the longer i waited, the harder it would become.  He told me that August of 2004, when I was 19, and my husband and I were married 7 months later. In the last year from the month before she she was born, I had had 3 pregnancies, the first two ending in miscarriages, 2 within, well a 3-4 month period, depending on how you look at it.  The first pregnany ended in June, the second was officialy ended the 26th of September.  It was considered an ectopic pregnancy, but the embrio was never large enough to locate inside or outside the womb.  The pregnancy was diagnosed in early August, and for a solid month, I was having blood drawn every other day to test the hormone levels in the system to see with the pregnancy was going to succed or not.  The levels never got high enough, but never went low enough for the doctor to "pull the plug" per say.  My daughter was concieved approx. 5 days after I was given a shot to end that second pregnancy.  Yes I know, that was fast, but my husbands a nympho, and I have a hard time telling him no to anything when he gives my that big pouty look, this his big full lips, so get off my ass okay!

I was okay with the second miscarriage, well, as okay as you can be.  By then I realized that ot was just one more step I was going to have to go through to reach my unlimate goal of motherhood, but the first miscarriage hit me really hard.  I always figured I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, but once I did, 9 months later I’d have a baby.  Never in my wildest breams had I ever thought I would have a miscarriage.  Even worse, in a panic/want to see the and confirm the pregnancy, I was at the E.R. the week before the miscarriage, and we got to see the babies heart beat.  They gave us a picture, told me how far along I was, when my due date was, everything.  Going back alittle farther from this, I was on a hormone treatment to get rid of the endometriosis, or to help reduce it, and not only did it remove my periods, but I have been on continual birth control since I was 16 for the same reason, and I never got a period back before the first pregnany.  We deduced that that was part of the problem.

Becuase of the period thing, I didnt know I was pregnant at first.  I have a heart murmer, that normaly doesnt give me any problems, then all of a sudden it started acting up.  My heart was fluttering really bad, then I was getting dizzy, and my heart was racing.  I went to the doctor, and they gave me a pregnany test.  It came out negative, so they put me on a heart moniter for a month.  Couple of weeks later, I got a terrible flu.  I couldnt keep anything down, and my heart was even worse.  Nother test and wham, I was preggers.  One week later I was at the E.R. watching a heart beat, 5 days later the doctor was holding my hand, telling me how sorry he was, as I was watching the tears falling from Thomas’s (my husband) face while trying to keep from being hysterical.  When I called my boss to tell her I wouldnt be back that day I lost it, then lost it even worse when I called my parents to let them know.  It was terrible.  The second time, I didnt even tell my husbad I was pregnant.  I knew right from the start that that one was going to end poorly, as I had a regular period, then started bleeding 2 weeks later, and basicly never stopped until they gave me the medicine to get rid of whatever was in my womb, wherever it was.  I told him eventualy, about half way through, and I have not gone to a doctors appointment by myself since.  He knew something was wrong, and though he wont say so, I know I’m not allowed to go to appointments by myself for fear I will keep something from him agian.  He’d never say so, but I dont think he’s ever forgiven me for that.  But I figured, there was no need for us both to suffer when I could bare the burdon alone.  I was informed that that was a marriage was for, that we will bare all burdons together from now on.  He is a good man.

Abigails pregnany was full of problems too.  I was so sick during the first 4 months, I lost 30 pounds.  I couldnt hold anything down, even water.  No medications would help, except Zofran, and my insurance wouldnt cover it since it was an expensive cancer aid and was well, expensive.  I was hopitalized twice, spent new years eve in the hospital, aaannndddd passed 8 pregnany stones about 4 months pregnant.  Then, around the end of the second trimester, after I had finaly started to gain wait again, I got, something.  The doctors could never identify what t was.  There went another 10 pounds, 2 weeks off from work, and my first sezuire in 3 years.  ( I know it sounds like I have a lot of medical probs, but really I dont.  Okay I do, but it doesnt bother me that much.  I still live a happy and normalish life.)  Then were coming to the end, and besides the waddling, and the heartburn, and the lack of sleep for needing to pee every 5 minutes, things are going okay, and what happens…more kidney stones.  They induce labor, and that was terrible.  I made it all the way to 6 centimeters without the epidural and they decided they didnt like her heart beat, and out she came by c-section.  I was really unhappy with that.  I think she could have came on her own, and they wouldnt let me get up and walk around, I was on by back from the moment they put the IV in me, till the morning after my daughter was born.  And I never ever EVER want en epidural again.  I absolutley refuse.  I am never having another c-section unless they look me in the eye and tell me that child is going to die without it.  It was the most awful sensation.  I trembled during the emtire operation from the drugs in my system and the temp of the operating room.  And 2 months later, my stomach is still sore from the scar and its still without feeling in some spots.  Oh well, I do have a beautiful daughter from the situation.

Six weeks later, I think I still have kidney stones, which I do, but they tell me there is no blockage, and it shouldnt be giving me the pain I’m feeling.  So one night I cave, and go to the hospital.  They tell me I have gall stones, and to go see a surgen.  They also mention that my liver levels are alittle off, but its nothing big, so dont even worry about it.  Next day I say, so I look kida yellow Daddy.  He says no.  Day after that, I’m feeding the baby, breast feeding remember, and Thomas say’s, your boobs are kinda yellow sweetie.  The next day Abby and I never leave the bedroom.  I slept all day.  So, so did she.  Next day’s a saturday, I wake up, go to the bathroom, and I look like I’ve been dumped in a yellow bucket of paint, and my breast milke is green, literaly green.  Back to the hospital, and my gall "sludge" has blocked my liver, and it is shutting down.  They tell me your liver level should be less then 100, and mine are in the 600’s, allmost to 700.  5 days in the hospital, another surgery, and an endoscope, which is where they stick a camera and a buch of tubes down your throat into your stomach, while your awake mind you, to do yucky things to you.  I dont recommend that by the way. 

A week to the day after that, I pack everything that will fit, which is only about half come to find out alittle too late, into a little moving cube, give away everything else, and move cross country to move back in with my parents.  Thomas and I flet that living in the counrty would be a better enviroment to raise our family, and my parents have offered a rent and utility free home until we can afford a good down payment to buy our own house.  Two weeks here, and I’m out of my mind.  Its gonna be a long year.

wow….told you I could talk.