Out of the Darkness

My mom is moving to Arkansas. This upset me a lot. When my dad died my mom chose to move us where we live now. We have absolutely no family here. The only thing she had was an instant job but really… we could of moved to Arkansas to be with family. We could of stayed with them and got a job. The possibilities were there.

6 months after my dad died my mom met Michael. She completely left me alone. She ultimately was with him for 10 years til he passed away last year. Most of those years were spent unhappy. She left me in a cold trailer. Still lost and grieving. So here she is now… leaving again. Yes I have my husband and kids but no other family. She is leaving me again. A part of me felt like she ruined my life. Because every choice I had made in my life up intel  this point has been directly related to what happened to my dad. I don’t care what people say… the past does not make you who you are. But it does. It leaves a forever mark on you. It’s up to you to decide how it effects you.

My head is full of shoulda coulda woulda.

but the truth is my mom was just trying to move on herself. The only way she knew how. I know this because it took me 5 years to be able to make it through the day without constantly missing my dad.  The only thing that helped me get out of the darkness was to move. See different faces, drive on different streets, have different obstacles. I would have my daughter for two weeks and then I would drive 4 hours to drop her off at her dads and I would not see her for another two weeks. I missed out on a lot. But it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I found a little bit of myself.