Done

The other day, I’m talking to Pizza Chick (who has received a capitalization upgrade in these pages for the purpose of easy identification), and she begins to tell me about her love life problems, which are numerous and more or less constant. She does this, at least partially, because I have availed myself to listening to them. But, let’s face it, this is my way of leaving the door open without crossing any lines. It is perhaps true that even this much is crossing a line somewhere. A leftover beta male habit…a way of snaking my way into her life without risking commitment.

She says, “…and then I got a text from him that just said, ‘done.'”

I said, “I’ve gotten that text. You’re not done.”

I have self-friend-zoned, I realized.  Now, I barely notice my own disappointment in my lack of game. I never had any to begin with, but some stubborn prideful bone in me challenges me to at least act like I once had it.

But I didn’t.

She dangles the idea that she might in fact be ‘done’ as advertised, but I will not relieve her of the burden that kind of commitment would bring. Instead, I retreat. But, I still don’t close the door.

The reason I back away is not because I’ve lost all interest in being with anyone. Most of the time, it just feels like….’I’ve been through this crap. Can I just get something real please? Can we please just stop the games and get comfortable, with someone soft and inviting who actually likes to be around me?’

That’s all I really want. Pizza Chick, however,  seems to want to relive her twenties, during which she was certainly sought after by every male around her and engaged in a lot of giggling. I’m 47. I hate giggling.

Occasionally, Pizza Chick will show me flashes, where for a brief moment, it seems like she really gets it. Where for an instant, I want to believe that she thinks, “I know. You’re tired and you want to rest. Rest against me, I’m willing to give that of myself. I understand that my softness is the best possible treatment for a lot of your aches. And I like the fact that you are creative and imaginative. You tell good stories. You make good goulash. You are interesting. I want to make myself available to you and just be quiet together. Life is difficult. Sometimes, it’s a goddamn beat down. We should recede into one another for a while, wherever we can. Take some time to heal all the old wounds, then re-emerge into a world that we choose.”

But, she’s not thinking that.

I keep going into her store to shoot the breeze. As I have mentioned many times, it’s a small town, it’s hard not to run into each other from time to time. I don’t want to avoid her. When I’m trying to figure out what to do for dinner for me and N on Friday night, she is still likely to be the first person I turn to. But I think she still uses my visits as a way to gauge my lurking interest. As if assessing whether it might be worth it to make a clean break while there’s still time. I feel like I can save her the time, because in my heart I’ve long since moved on. If she were the girl who worked at one of the fifty-three Blockbuster Video locations back in the Big City where I used to live…in the nineties…when everything was still about looking forward…it might be different.

But that nickel has already been spent. It was all left back on that road….the one in Texas, where the cop stopped me doing almost a hundred miles an hour toward this place, to be with her.

He gave me a warning.

Now, certain qualities stand out to me immediately, I’ve noticed. Most of them are not qualities Pizza Chick possesses. Laughably, most of them are the qualities exhibited by those who are already in stable long term relationships. I have no interest in chasing around strippers half my age, nor in general, in anything comparably…loud. The necessary pretentiousness that is the companion of dating, even by those in their forties, is something I would rather chew glass than have to deal with. Is it really true that I still have to sell the goods and hope for a buyer? I thought I was beyond that point in life. I feel like I want to know someone better before I commit to something like that. Ha. Cracked myself up.

I feel like I wrote this entry already.

And very little has changed since I did. I still love my boy, who ran inside to tell me about a rainbow outside today. I took pics of it. I still live in the same small town in the desert, still think a lot about what it would be like to move to where my family lives. And take baby steps toward actually doing it. I still drive by the old place, where I lived with my wife who I loved more than I can say…and see the signs that other people live there now….and wonder how there can be anything happening there now at all after everything that already happened. I still have the same thoughts about Pizza Chick I had months ago. It’s a small pond. You have to take the minnows that nibble.

If I were really so displeased with how things were, I would have changed them long ago.