here and now.

Written 2 nights ago:
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a little over a week ago my mom was taken to the ER. she had had a cold that had turned into bronchitis that had begun compromising her breathing to a point that it became alarming. half a day later, they had to rush her to the ICU, as her breathing stopped seemingly out of nowhere, and her heart rate plummeted. she was put into an induced coma and onto a ventilator. we learned that she had a fungal infection in her lungs as well as a virus in her heart.

finally, yesterday morning her lungs got a bit better and i sat with her as they took her off sedation, breathing tube still in and i watched as her body was racked with silent, horrifyingly awful coughs and tears coursing down her face as all she could do was look into my eyes, just wanting that damn thing out, to get better, to breathe.

after an hour plus, after gathering strength, her breathing and heart rate slowed down enough so that they could remove the tube and after 8 days that felt like 8 fucking months, my mom was awake and breathing and finally coming back, something we didn’t honestly didn’t know if we’d ever see.

it was the most terrifying, roughest week i think i’ve ever had. my mom is my best friend. she is everything to me. she is the only real family i have left now. i cannot fathom living in a world where she is not. i found myself repeatedly begging under my breath “please be ok, please be ok, please let her get to meet Max, please let her meet her grandson, please, please please”. there is such an utter helplessness, an infuriating futility in watching this person you love most lying there unconscious, being lifted and dropped back down ever so slightly by a tube in her throat, like a broken animated character on a twisted Disney ride, while the doctors can’t tell you she’ll pull out of this.

but yesterday i finally got to finally see my mom awake, high on some painkillers, laughing and talking about the magical morphine donkeys in her room and hearing her say “i love you, too”. all is right in the world again. not much else matters

_________

Written last night:
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I spoke too soon. Her lungs and heart weren’t strong enough to work on their own and they had to put her back into the induced coma and back on the ventilator/breathing tube.

yesterday afternoon when they did it, it was devastating. just the day before, she was finally, finally awake and joking around and even eating some jello when we left her, so to go back to this was heartbreaking. I cannot adequately describe how rough this is- all of it, the waiting, the not knowing, the fear. the exhaustion. the near physical ache of missing her so much. the anxiety alone… it feels like I’m drowning in it sometimes.

but you have to choose to focus on the right parts as much as you can. that while its a setback from two days ago and from her getting better, it is not a setback from last week. though she is very sick and her heart and her lungs are compromised and weakened, my mom is tough. and she’s been awake so knows what she needs to get back to.

so we just keep going.