The Difference a Decade Makes

Usually I try to update my diary at least every December 9th, marking each anniversary on that day. I’m a little late this year, but what can you do?

I used to rely on this diary to communicate. I’d jot down my near-daily thoughts and emotions; communicate with friends; and preserve my past. Now, eleven years later, this diary is more of a relic–a rare piece of my teenage self that has remained in my life. I thought instead of listing my goals for the next so many years, I’d look back at the entry I wrote on December 9, 2003 and see how my goals have changed in the past decade.

"My name is Megan and I’m 18. I’m a freshman in college and I’ve survived my first quarter. By the end of the summer in 2005 I should have my associates degree in communications arts. I’d like to continue my education at Ohio State. By the time I am 23 I’d like to be married to a nice LDS boy and beginning our family. I’d like to be a stay-at-home mother who writes for a major publication from home."

I’m still Megan, but now I’m 28. Shortly after this entry was written I changed my major to business management. That decision was three-fold. 1.) I failed COM 101 because I rarely showed up for class. 2.) I had always had an entrepreneurial spirit. 3.) I started to feel that journalism was a cut-throat profession and that if I wasn’t in the upper echelon of my field I may not survive. I continued at my community college until spring of 2006, and then dropped out after realizing that the 93 credits required to graduate couldn’t be composed of "fun" classes (English, management, marketing, psychology, sociology) but also required math and science courses. I was supposed to attend OSU with my best friend, but she met a boy (whom she later married) and I was too afraid to leave town by myself. Instead, I went to the local university and got both my bachelor’s (2010) and master’s (2013) degrees. We’ll touch on the LDS thing in the next section…

"As of right now things aren’t so great with my family. I was recently baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my parents haven’t been supportive. My stepfather thinks I’m going through a phase and that I’ll eventually get over it. My mother thinks I’m doing the wrong thing for the wrong reason, but that I’ll ‘see the light’ and give it up. Neither of them realize how truly happy the church has made me."

For the record–they were right. I became friends with a girl at work whose family was LDS. Soon after meeting her I began dating her older brother. I felt really close to their family and decided to learn more about their church. Within two weeks of my baptism I had broken up with the brother. My time in the LDS church was tumultuous to say the very least. I vacillated between trying to be as devout as possible to rebelling against every rule. I rode a roller coaster soaring through highs of exciting joy and terrifying depression. In the end my stepfather was correct. Despite the best efforts to keep me from learning more ("Milk before meat, line upon line, yada yada yada…") I began voraciously reading every piece of literature I could get my hands on. Some were church sanctioned, some were not. I read an LDS history textbook used by my then-roommate at Weber State University cover-to-cover. I read the new training manual used by missionaries in investigator discussions. I followed the advice of then-"prophet" Gordon B. Hinckley and read the Book of Mormon for the third or fourth time within six weeks (and instead of receiving the blessings promised I sank into a life-threatening depression). On the "contraband" side of the coin, I read The Sword of Laban: Joseph Smith, Jr., and the Dissociated Mind by Dr. William D. Morain and Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck. In fact, I was reading Beck’s book while sitting in the Starbucks at Barnes & Noble and decided about 20 pages in that I would purchase the book. That night, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning finishing the book and began to draft my request to have my name removed from the membership records.

Ugh, a new paragraph is WAY past due. So anyway…in a way I’m grateful for my three year tenure in the LDS church. I truly did meet some amazing people and established friendships that have survived my apostasy. The bad part is that now I’ve been labeled as an enemy of the church. It seems criticism of any kind against the church is dismissed as either straight-up ignorance or bitter lies. My complaints always seem to fall in the latter category. I’m not active in my desire to lead people from the church. I know how I felt about those kinds of people while I was devout. Instead, I choose to try to live my life in a way that shows that I’m not some heathen who left the church because I "couldn’t cut it" (an accusation I heard from some of the supposed saints) rather as someone who left the church and found God waiting with open arms. I still believe in God. I still believe Jesus is my savior. I simply believe that neither Joseph Smith, Jr. nor my money have anything to do with my salvation. *steps off soapbox*

In 2007 I was baptized into the Lutheran Church, specifically the Missouri Synod. My husband is a non-denominational Christian. He has a good heart and we try to give thanks for our many blessings. We’re not sure what religion we’ll raise our children in, and I’m not sure that’s important. As long as we raise happy children with good hearts who know Christ as their savior, I’m good.

"I’ve been working in the [Wal-Mart] shoe department for the past six months. I realize that it is only temporary and sometimes that thinking is the only thing that gets me through the day. My job mainly consists of cleaning up after messy, careless, thoughtless customers, or making things nice and neat so they can destroy it, starting the circle over again. It could be worse, but then again it could be better. I had to deal with a lot of grief when I asked for Sundays off and the retribution I received is just now wearing off, so I’m probably due for some more punishment."

I’ve had a ton of job in the past ten years. I wish I had a more stable employment history, but hopefully soon I’ll be able to find a career. After Wal-Mart I became a bank teller, a member service rep at a credit union, a personal assistant to an insurance broker, a floating member service rep at a different credit union, a student employee at my college, a secretary at an Air Force base, a member service rep at a Medicaid call center, a secretary at my college again, and most recently a server/bartender/membership coordinator at a co-op brewpub. While it’s not what I went to school for, I enjoy my job. I make good money in tips when I’m in the brewpub and I have a lot of respect and trust from the board members and management. It’s nice to be in a job where I don’t fear punishment around every corner. Next month I am beginning an internship at a small local business assisting someone who does the job I want as a career. Through that job I have been named secretary of the board of a local organization supporting those who do the job I want as a career. These opportunities presented themselves through my nights slinging beers at the brewpub. I’m a firm believer of things happening for a reason.

"Drama about friends…"

I had more than my fair share of drama when I was younger. I remember sometimes stirring things up or exaggerating them simply because I was bored or needed some attention. Thankfully I outgrew that, though I can’t say the same for some of my old friends.

Now I’m an old married woman who isn’t always looking for someone to love me or pay attention to me. I’m not trying to force relationships where they shouldn’t or won’t exist. I enjoy going out after work for a few drinks on occasion, but at the end of the night I’m always grateful to climb into bed next to my husband. 2014 will likely be the last year of just the two of us as my husband turns 30 this May and I’ll be right behind him the following May. Then we’ll start trying to have a kid or two.

So did my life turn out the way I expected? Nope. Am I glad that it didn’t? You bet your sweet bippy!