So Much Pain and Loss…

On the way to Bobby’s house tonight I started crying. I didn’t allow myself to cry for too long because the problems that provoked tears are not my problems. One is half a world away, and even though the other one is right next door it’s not my burden to bear.

I’ve always had a problem (?) with being overly empathetic. Empathy is one of my top 5 strengths according to StrengthsFinder 2.0 but sometimes it seems to get in the way. Like what’s going on with Jeanne, for example. It hurts to know that someone I’m close with (who is basically like a big sister to me) is in so much pain and mourning. I haven’t even been over there to see how she is doing because I don’t know how my presence will affect her. Earlier Carly was there and I asked if I could stop by, but she said it would probably not be a good idea since Jeanne had just calmed down from sobbing uncontrollably. I know that if Jeanne was that upset, Carly was upset too. Carly and I have had such an emotional connection over the past four years that I instinctively felt her pain.

I watched the news and saw the horrors in Haiti. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the devastation and loss they are dealing with–a country who has always been used to meager living conditions in the first place. My heart broke even more. Even as I type this I can feel the tears welling up.

I left my house and saw that Carly and Jeanne’s mom’s car was parked on the street. I realized then that they were essentially holding a vigil–clinging to each other in the wake of the most monumental loss they’ve had to deal with as a family. It’s strange to think that we all could love those three babies who we’d never even met, yet their loss is as real as if it were someone we’d all known for years. It felt unsettling to be excluded, but at the same time I felt grateful. Usually in sad moments I try to make people laugh, but all this makes me want to do is cry. I think it would be upsetting for Jeanne to see me out of my element–shocked by the tragedy of the situation to the point of burying my sense of humor.

Also, I’ve been able to trust that God has a reason for this. Carly is angry at Him (probably reflecting Jeanne’s anger) because she feels that it was cruel for Him to give Jeanne what she always wanted and then to take it away. I feel like it’s almost insulting to say that God has his reasons. I know deep inside Carly and Jeanne understand that, but with such a tremendous loss, it can be easy to temporarily blame the Almighty in order to ease some of the pain.

I guess right now I feel powerless and excluded–the latter of which makes me feel selfish. This is not my family…no matter how close I’ve been to them over the past four years. I’ve taken a step back from them since June and gotten wrapped up in my own life. I have no right to feel like I should be a part of this, but that big bleeding heart of mine wants to find the magic words, or the magic embrace to ease everyone’s pain.