On Fertility…

Let me preface this by saying that I am not pregnant (that I know of). There was some chatter on my Facebook that led someone to believe I am, but unless there has been a catastrophic failure of my birth control method, I am baby-free.

I suffer from have a rare condition called "I Probably Want Children, But Probably Not…I Dunno…Whatevs" (IPWCBPNIDW). The thought of having kids is equally terrifying and exhilarating. I like the idea of having a few kids because I think Bobby would be a wonderful father and I could probably be an okay mom. I do not like the idea of routine blood tests and a painful labor. I was a gigantic baby about getting my wisdom teeth out, the thought of passing a human being through any of my orifices does not sound pleasant (I don’t even want to think about a C-section…my abdomen is just fine the way it is…intact and un-horribly-scarred).

Also, working in a facility where children and adolescents are often treated for psychiatric disorders I fear I could seriously screw up my children. I am, by nature, a sarcastic person. My ex-step-nephew-person (my step brother’s ex stepson), though only being 6 is astute when it comes to sarcasm. He seems to "get it" and I usually had a pretty fun time being sarcastic with him. What if my kids end up being scarred by my sarcasm? What if I do everything right and things just don’t turn out the way I want? It’s entirely possible that I could be an amazing mother, Bobby could be an amazing father, and my kids could be screwed up. If I’m going to go through the pain (and sobriety) of giving birth I want a little Justin Bieber who will fund my retirement by his 14th birthday. I feel my children just cannot live up to that expectation.

Okay, snark aside. Due to my lack of maternal instinct, I just don’t understand women who seem to desperately need to be pregnant/reproduce. I’m not saying it’s bad; I’m just saying I don’t understand it. It seems that one could get the same level of satisfaction (or higher) from a pet than from a child. Cats can be left at home when one goes on vacation. Cats can be potty-trained long before babies can. Cats can’t be emo. One can get a cat spayed or neutered so one never worry about prom night babies. If the cat does happen to get pregnant, one can sell the offspring! If one gets tired of a cat it can be placed in an ad on Craigslist (but why would one ever get tired of a cat???).

So now, despite taking precautions, if the unthinkable were to happen I’m going to feel like a gigantic piece of garbage. Instead of having people there to support me because I’m scared and unprepared, I’m going to have people angry and jealous. I understand! I don’t want kids, I get kids. You live to have kids and can’t have any(more)! I get it! Sorry! I’m hoping it will never come to this. Maybe as I mature I’ll change my mind and start an ovulation calendar and giddily pee my pants when I get pregnant. I’m hoping that will be after Bobby and I are married and we’ve decided that we’re financially and emotionally stable enough to reproduce.

Yes, I realize that the only way to 100% prevent a pregnancy is abstinence or jumping backwards during a full moon while reciting the dramatic monologue from Ten Things I Hate About You ("I hate the way you talk to me…"), but I don’t want to do either of those. I am at a point in my life that if I were to become pregnant it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Yeah, it would suck for the reasons I mentioned above, and no, I’m not ready for a pregnancy (because let’s face it, that’s what I’m really terrified about…not so much the kid part), but I’m in a healthy committed relationship so it wouldn’t exactly be Maury fodder. I just hope that should that day come that I discover I’m with child I’ll be met with support and understanding, not venom and jealousy, and I hope that my adorable sarcastically apt offspring will be loved and doted upon, not resented.