A Shift in Reality

  I feel like people are probably tired of seeing my updates on Facebook–that I’m a giant bummer now–but I still have so much to say. If I put it here people can choose whether or not to read it–it’s not right there on their news feed every time they log onto Facebook.

I still can’t believe it, and I still haven’t had the opportunity to see any of my family members since we learned about Ryan’s death. I’ve talked to Will a few times on the phone, I’ve exchanged text messages with my mom, and I’ve messaged on Facebook with Tiffany and Steve, but I haven’t seen any of them yet. I hope I get the opportunity to before the funeral on Friday.

This morning afternoon I woke up and logged into Facebook. My news feed was filled with stories of people reacting to Ryan’s death. It’s so strange because even though it doesn’t seem real the tears I’ve cried and the pain I’m feeling is certainly real. How can this have happened? This wasn’t a consequence of a stupid act as I originally thought. I thought Ryan was just trying to show off for his girlfriend Jenna. I imagined him scoffing at a sign probably warning him not to do the exact thing he was about to do and muttering "it ain’t no thing" in that low and rumbling drawl he developed as he grew into a man. I imagined Jenna warning him not to do it because it was reckless and dangerous. In reality Bobby says the spot is popular for divers and people who want to take a refreshing plunge in the water. He wasn’t breaking any rules or defying any laws, he was just doing what countless others had safely done in the past, only this time someone died. The little boy with the buzz cut who used to be shorter and skinnier than me and then grew into this towering man–my bigger little brother–died.

If it happened how we think it happened I take comfort in the fact that he was unconscious as he sank into the water. He wasn’t scared or desperate as he took water into his lungs. He was flying through the air full of adrenaline and then he just went to sleep. The thing that disturbs me is that this happened in the first place. That Jenna watched her boyfriend hit the water and then begin to worry after a few seconds when he didn’t come back up immediately, then panic when it was way too long, then have to get help because it’s clearly an emergency. That some divers had to search for him and recover his body. That my parents had to receive a phone call that their son was missing and presumed dead. That they had to drive more than 6 hours to identify him and verify to the authorities that the lifeless body lying on the table was their son. That my parents had to make funeral arrangements for one of their children. This hurts me so badly, but I know that my grief is dwarfed by what my Steve, Tiffany, and Jenna must feel.

I wonder if our family will ever be the same because the reality is that Ryan is gone. We’re a family who has suffered a loss. My parents lost a son, my siblings have lost a brother, my nephews have lost a father, my grandparents have lost a grandson. There will be a gaping hole in our hearts, in our holidays, in our celebrations. This is our reality now.