Finally
The tears are here. Finally, at last. Letters blurring and sliding around. God my nose won’t stop running.
Today is the day that I am finally feeling everything. It is so messed up that this is finally happening, I don’t want to cry over anything, not my adult children , not the friendships, not my unrequited love.
I wish I could tear my heart out, throw it on the ground and stomp every emotion out. I hate feeling. Absolutely wish that I didn’t but as i am human that’s impossible. I can hide them, until this happens. The crying. It’s a release. Leads to an anxiety attack. I want to see my blue blood run red. Yes I want to cut. Just to help all this shit get out. So that I can ground myself and remember I do exsist. To remind my self to breath .
Let just a little of it out, just a few minutes, hot tears. And then regain thecontrol. Put the mask back on. Paste the smile on. My eyes still dead. Breathing softly. Crying softly. Praying to the Divine. No one notices. No eye contact. I’m ok. I’m peachy keen baby. Yes, I love you. Yes I’ll take care of you. Yes yes yes yes….
Dont ask me if I’m okay, I don’t want to lie to you.
Breath. It’s okay to hide in the darkness. It’s ok to be silent. It’s what I do.
**edit**
I just got confirmation that I passed my background check, and my drug test, I officially have a work from home job. Wow I have a sense of euphoria!! YAY!!!!
I’m sorry for your pain and sadness.
@wildrose_2 thank you!
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It’s hard when it’s all crashing- but we recede, gather, swell and rise again. Nature demands it.
congratulations over and over on the job
@e3 just like the tides which ties into the moon’s rythym….
@darkzymphony Yes, it is.
@darkzymphony – sometimes it is directly linked to that and sometimes an internal rhythm your victories and trauma cause as they war each other. But you’ll come up, because even bodies float. (Black humor is strictly related to waiting for my first cup of coffee, heh.)
but really, you will rise. I know
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