Simmering

My sense of unhappiness seems to be growing. I’m not sure if it’s just depression, or if it’s something more than that. I am definitely disappointed with the people around me most of the time, and was particularly bothered by my co-workers this morning. It started with a too-loud conversation about football. This is annoying, but happens pretty much every day, so I tried to filter it out. Then it was a too-loud conversation about rape, and how people were saying they were raped for publicity, and as non-confrontational and uninvolved as I try to be, since there was only one other person in the room making a case that it might be for a genuine reason, I felt compelled to become involved. The more I addressed it, the more upset I became. Though nobody involved changed their opinion, at least they are aware that everyone doesn’t agree with them… and that one other guy seems to have gained some respect for me (that gain is also mutual). I’m glad we are no longer talking about it, because I got very angry about it. This is fitting with a pattern where I am just unhappy being around people who I don’t agree with on many issues. Work is also rather slow, so I spend the day doing a few things, and generally just not being able to do anything else. What I do have to do is often something I rather dislike, like making phone calls. This is a long-standing problem, but it is also wearing at me more than is usual, lately.

Yesterday… I guess I had some of that lack of things to do, and I didn’t go running because it was too cold. My knees get messed up when it’s very cold, and I can’t run the whole way. I also don’t want to be sweating a bunch while out in the cold, and I do sweat quite readily. I felt a bit bad about not running, but I did it anyway. I made a can of soup for lunch, because I didn’t have anything else to bring. It was a new flavor of soup that I was trying, a buffalo chicken soup. I put it in the microwave, and left to set up the rest of my lunch. When I came back, someone else was using another microwave, and I hoped that the awful odor I was smelling was his lunch, but unfortunately, it was mine. I ate it anyway, since I didn’t have other options, but had to wash the dish right away, because even what was left in the bowl was making me feel a bit sick. The book I am reading is really hard to follow. I am making progress, but feeling disheartened about it. Once I finish it, I think I will go to something a bit easier to manage. In the evening, I headed home, and since Megan and Jim were already home, they figured out dinner. They were stopping at Cotsco, so they picked up pulled pork, and we had sandwiches. I was glad not to have to worry about it. We ate and watched a few episodes of Glee. I am getting less and less interested in Glee as we go along. They are moving more towards modern top 40 songs, where earlier episodes had a better mix of things. They also did two episodes of Grease songs, and I have always disliked Grease. Megan loves it, though, and tried to prompt me to sing along. That was bothersome, both because I don’t know the words (having not sat through an entire viewing of Grease), and because I would not want to sing any Grease song. It wasn’t a big thing, though, just one little thing. We went to bed a bit early, and Megan wasn’t tired, but I was. I tried to help her get sleepy by snuggling, which worked, but also made it so I couldn’t fall asleep from being too hot.

I slept horribly, and considered just getting out of bed at 5:30 when I woke up from the CatGenie being too loud, but tried to sleep later until the alarm I had set at 6:30. I guess I managed to sleep a little, but was still very tired. Megan is teleworking today, because of this cold snap we are having. She takes a train to go to work, and has to wait outside, so it makes sense. I had hoped to have another day off, but I didn’t get one, and I suppose it wasn’t really necessary, so I can’t complain too much, but I still would have liked it. My drive was fine, with only a couple of spots with ice on the road, which were small enough to be of no consequence. I’m getting close to finished with my audiobook, so I will probably start a new one before the end of the week. I dropped a podcast I have been listening to for years, because it’s no longer addressing things of interest to me. It was a D&D podcast, and since they are putting out the new edition, it’s addressing that, and I’m not terribly interested in that. They have also been expressing a lot of opinions that I disagree with, and are very condescending about it at times, so that’s been bothersome. I had intended to stick with it until they finished their book club for the sundering books, but since I’m pretty much just planning on reading those, now, I guess that’s less important than it was before. It will take away a lot of bloat of podcasts since those episodes were long and not as interesting, but it will also take away some variety. A lot of my podcasts are now educational, rather than recreational. I suppose that’s good. Still, it’s something different.

I meditated more with the lingam last night. I mostly do this while watching television, which is probably not the best way to do it. Previously, I have felt it affecting my heart area, and later my throat area. Last night, it was my forehead… so it’s following chakras, whether it just does that or I expect it to. I’m definitely feeling something going on, but Megan keeps asking me about it in a weird tone. I’m not sure what she thinks about it. Maybe I should talk to her about it. Still, I think I’ll keep trying to use it, because it feels like it is doing something.

We have no immediate plans for our time off for the forseeable future, since the holidays are over. I’m glad of that, but am also tense about it for some reason. Not that I wish I had plans, but I know that plans will happen anyway, and I am anxious about it. I think I need to relax, and try to get into a place where I can have things to do when we have time off. I have two writing projects and guitar playing to try to work on, as well as an about endless supply of books and cleaning projects I could do. I’m sure there is no shortage of things to do, so I will try not to worry about it.